i was sitting on a dock in venice with a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine, congratulating myself for ditching the idea of paying €80 to ride a gondola. instead, i watched them go by at sunset..gondoliers singing in the open air. it was operatic. romantic. and free. i remember the feel of the cool air on my sticky sunbeat face, big golden hoop earrings and a black dress. it was me and a really good friend at the time, just in staring in awe over the beauty of the city. perfect way to end a two-week trip in italy.
it was the last time i remember feeling truly free. afterwards, i went back to work and that deep, nagging, negative feeling stayed there. not even a month into buying my first home, the basement flooded. and then i discovered all kinds of undisclosed renovations. and then i discovered all kinds of people comfortable making a buck without morals.
in three years, i’ve nearly come close to being broke from repairs and the lawsuit. i’ve been so frugal with my spending that i’ve forgotten what it feels like to be a woman in a new dress. i miss looking at the open world, the possibility of adventure and living the colorful life i used to. i’ve become this jaded, cynical person who is constantly wondering if my paycheck will cover my mortgage, wondering if the next person sees me as a means to an end.
i need faith in human beings again; that i can be surrounded by people who do the right thing.
but i also need to open my heart back up. i need to come alive again.