the view from here.
It’s another stunning day in Vancouver. I’m looking out the window at the bay and it’s filled with tiny white sailboats. Water planes are flying back and forth over Stanley park. Looking out the window you’d almost forget that it’s 12 degrees Celsius out there. We have a three day weekend that starts today. It’s the Canadian thanksgiving and we have no invitations. If I were in the states and this were Thanksgiving I’d put my head in the oven. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I never want to celebrate it with room service and rewrites. But since it’s not the “real” Thanksgiving, and the oven in our suite is electric I’ll survive.I had a pang of sadness last night. I don’t know what it was. I guess it’s that we’re about two weeks away from wrapping. The fantasy life I’ve been living is about to come to an end. I’m just going to have to remember to stay in this moment and not get too caught up in the future. It’s just that I’m thinking about what’s coming up with B and I. I’m going to be on my own for real. Michael was talking about his boyfriend, the French model and S was talking about, I think, Douglas’ boyfriend the famous architect who now directs music videos. Funny but sitting there on the set of a movie I wrote I suddenly felt like a big loser. It’s true what they say, happiness comes from within. I wrote this line in the script two nights ago. It was for the scene that ultimately got cut, “You use it as an excuse to hate all us imperfect sinners who are just a shade too ugly.” That’s the scarecrow boy, just a shade too ugly. I think my whole life I’ve felt that way. I’ve never been in the in-crowd. I’ve never cared about them and yet somehow I do. I guess it’s more like I always feel uncomfortable. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Being up here around these people makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think of the smart thing to say until hours later… so as a result I just tend to be quiet a lot. I hate that. I wish I was more… you know, there. Maybe some day I’ll be there. I feel fat. Mandy gave me a caramel apple, dipped in chocolate and covered with oreo pieces. I ate it. Then I felt sick. Now I feel like a lard bucket. Since I’ve been up here I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost on the “worry yourself thin” diet. I’ve also gained back some of my sanity. I look back on that time, when I was so obsessively worried about Noodles. What good did it do me? It served as an object lesson. I can look at all that worry and see how now, a month later it just seems absurd. Noodles is fine and all my freaking out did nothing. There are fire trucks racing down Denman Ave. and Noodles is pacing back and forth at the window bellowing at them. It’s the call of the wild here on the 29th floor.Not much to do today. I’ve got no visitors and no shooting. I think I’ll exchange the pants I bought last week (zipper broke) and do some writing. B and his assistant A are sleeping. They stayed on set until 7:30 this morning. Not me. I came home and was in bed by 5 AM. I’m considering cooking up a giant pancake breakfast for them, though I may just go to the gym instead. Given the caramel apple I’ve added to my midsection fat ring the choice should be obvious: pancakes… there’s no hope for me now.
top five:
1. This day right now.
2. Noodles and the lesson he helped me learn about worry.
3. Determined to make better choices every day and not get mad at myself if I make mistakes.
4. Found the receipt for the pants. Piece of cake.
5. My new Ladytron CD sent to my by my friend at Emperor Norton Records.
happy and fat is waaaay better than skinny and depressed, love muffin!
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Thank you for writing an entry at my request. I didn’t know Douglas C was gay. Shoulda known. Duh. You will be very sad when you and B split up, but you will also feel a huge sense of relief. Not always so. You better enjoy it while it’s still going on. Two weeks of enjoyment still to come. Hugs and kisses,
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Piece of cake? Oh no it isn’t. You’re going to throw that Canadian store into a tizzy when they have to deal with an actual consumer demanding quality and service. I’m just saying here. I dunno, I think of Michael Stipe as being the forever scarecrow boy. He always looks very aloof and unsure of himself in some very secret way to me.
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if you have nothing to do i am sure heather is ready to chat it up with you!!! lol!! IM KIDDING!!!
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I thought you might appreciate this writing from St. Paul: “Brothers and sisters: I know how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I can do all things in him who strengthens me.” Nothing much h
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I have a tummy ache just from reading about the apple. Ugh. Have a Magnesia of Milkshake immediately.
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Besides, in here you are the in-crowd. The rest of us are only trying to belong to your club.
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you may think of yourself as the scarecrow boy, but I know a good many of us who are impressed as hell with you.
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Do you want me to come stand next to you so you feel thin? I’ll be happy to. ++
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you can be part of my in crowd any day, bitter.
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what liberry said.
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You sound so much more relaxed and happy than you were on the Worry Yourself Thin Diet. (grin)
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At least you eventually think of something smart to say. I have missed out on that ability totally.
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Now I’m craving the Oreo apple. I’ll have to settle for some Rolo’s from the snack room, I think.
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Just how cool do you think the in-crowd actually is?! Try to celebrate your victories too, my friend. (I know. Easier said than done.) —
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Maybe the fat cells keep you sane.
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Mmmm… pancakes with *real* maple syrup, not the cheap imitation stuff from Vermont. Dang, BP. You are a part of the popular crowd. You’re awesome just as you are. I completely know what you mean with wanting to hold onto a moment forever. But like you said, enjoy today and know that there are more fabulous adventures awaiting you. Honest.
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RYN – Hat jemand deine Zähne auch gegessen? Solch ein “nasty” Gedanke!(Wie sagt man “nasty” auf Deutsch?)
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This is coming from a former prom queeen, so listen up! I suppose that in high school I was part of the “in crowd” and it ain’t all that glamorous. You have to do what your friends say, or they disown you. You make fun of the fat kids, the gay kids, the happy kids, the goths, the preps, the rejects, the jocks; basically-anyone who is not you. And for some reason people still kiss your ass.cont
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con’t: But if you really want to be “in”, I can send you a Burger King Crown and a cepter (spelled wrong) and you can parade around in your finery looking down on everyone who is not you. That’s about all the “in” crowd does. Oh, that and they have massive drug addictions and drink a lot–or maybe that was just me. Oh well, have an “in” day!
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Last time it worked: Bitte schreib mal ein bisschen mehr heute.
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RYN: I actually snorted coffee through my nose about that lavender scented bundles thing. I’m so scared its true! Are you obsessed with me???? haha There’s a band on that CD that you MUST use for the film. I will email my brother and ask their name, and send it to you. You will love them. A friend of mine went to the Japanese Sound of Music last night — Japanese dressed as N
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Oops that’s Japanese dressed as Nazis!
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WhatÂ’s a Dutch oven?
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Wow. I just read the month + that I’ve missed. Wow. I hope you remember me and the good tmies we used to share, in the days before you met Mr. Coupland. Memories……..
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