In this fog, I think

Love cannot be unrequited if the one you love never existed.

My fantasy had a face, and my memory is better with all the haze.

The first time was really the last.

When he held my hand it was only to lead me away.

When he sang to me it was only a song.

When he said I love you, he was speaking to himself.

I will forever be haunted by this ghost of love!

This mist is full of nothing but the sound of the echo of my heart break.

I would think it a dream but I know I am awake, shaking in sorrow.


I heard a song today that made me SO sad. It reminded me of the hurt I’ve felt every time I’ve heard the words "we’ll still be friends"

Even worse is that when I am lonely I can think only of him and my memory has been very good lately. I can say now that it sucks that my head is stuck on the moments with him where love felt real and those moments have never happened again.

It really bothers me that these things happened 20 years ago. It bothers me that although I have loved since, I have loved with him in my head, measuring if it was enough, settling for less than the ideal i’m stuck on, and feeling like I am settling when I know what I have is pretty damn good.

I don’t want to be here anymore but I don’t know how to get away.

I get a minute here though. That’s got to be enough, I think. 





Re write 1-19-2014
The one I love does not exist though I see him when I am tired.
He takes my hand only to lead me away from sleep.
I know that he is a fantasy, but he keeps me awake with songs.
They are nothing but the sound of the echo of my heart breaking.
He says I love you, but he is speaking to himself as I yawn.
I would think it already a dream but I know I am awake.

It still needs work…

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February 17, 2013

Aloha nui loa… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ just drifting by ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Me ke aloha…