I miss the laughter

I have a sick, heavy feeling that i’ve lost something precious…that can’t be duplicated or erased.

Is it a part of grief?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.. if i’ll ever be able to sit on my couch with the comfort of knowing that there’s a man in the bedroom snoring who loves me beyond reason.

And i feel the same about him.

Such a secure, little cacoon tucked aside from the busy world.  HOME.

And i felt loved.

The man in our bed snoring right nowloves me "only if"…conditionally.  That sucks.

I was informed today that i spent $911 on christmas for my daugter, son, SIL and three grandkids.

But it made me happy,,,and yes, we;re saving every penny for a house, but we could afford to do what i did, And i knew that.

It was actually the nearest thing to a real Christmas that we’d had since we lost J,,,a week before Christmas, four years ago.  He WAS the spirit of Christmas when we gathered with kids and grandkids  My heart’s full of joy just remembering…

I was also informed that he’s not going to pay our medical insurance, so no going to the dr for a year (never mind that i had a little back surgery a couple months ago).

I got bitched at for buying less than $10 of assorted half price christmas wrapping paper, ribbons and bows that we needed;.’

I AM the reason he has he has such a horrible temper…he never had that before me.

And he constantly discourages me from doing things that make ne happy.  Simple things like making him a killer homemade carrot cake…instead of that cardboard flavored boxed mix that he bought for me tro bake.

Those used to be some good times,,,with J.  Sometimes our baking and cooking experiments worked…and sometimes not so much,,,like J’s speghetti pie (i still have a pic of it somewhere).  We didn;t insite panic because it bubbled out of the cassarile dish onto the oven.  We laughed.

I don;t know how to live without laughter.  And i’m certain that i don’t want to learn.