8/6

hi all. i try not to disappear for months at a time but it happens.

last entry i mentioned that my dog had a tumor and needed surgery. after a few more vet appointments and estimates, i have made the incredibly hard decision to have her euthanized on this upcoming friday. her surgery and expenses will easily reach 10k, and the vet was sure that she had surgery just by looking at her. i can’t afford the surgery and put her through the misery of barely living. i also can’t let her live in pain – so i had to choose.

she will be 10 years old this year, and we had a lot of good times. she’s my best friend, and i really regret not bringing her to live with me these past few years. i still have another dog, but i didn’t raise him from a puppy and the bond isn’t as deep. that feels cruel to say, but sometimes that just happens, you know? xena is special. i’m not looking forward to friday.

my job is wrecking my soul, i think. i’m not really happy with how it’s going. i have thoughts every day of going back to school for my master’s so i can finally be a counselor, but i can’t even manage to make payments on the student loans i already have. i’ve been slowly saving money but expenses keep popping up out of nowhere. i want to stay at this job for awhile longer so i can build my resume, but i need to start looking for something new soon. i can’t stay this unhappy forever.

speaking of unhappy – i am realizing that it might be time for cole and i to break up. maybe. i don’t know. i have no idea if he’s happy, but i know i’m not. over two years together and we don’t have sex. he doesn’t like to touch me. he’s barely nice to me. i have a back up plan, save a ton of money back just in case i have to move out (moving back in with one of my parents it not an option in my mind, for many reasons) and then i’ll just have a deep, soul-baring talk with him. and if that talk ends with a break-up, then okay. i’m trying to prepare myself. i have no timeline or anything.

i just can’t keep being with someone who acts like they are annoyed with my very presence. some days are good, really good, and i can ignore all the details of our relationship that i mentioned above. i do love him, but there’s obviously something going on. he’s either gay or secretly hates me or asexual, and he’s not being honest.

but neither am i, i guess.

it’s funny, but i would continue to be with him if he would just compromise. at least *try*. but day in and day out things are mostly the same. he doesn’t seem to care. we sleep next to each other. we spend time together. he tells me he loves me, he kisses me goodnight. he shows concern for me. he’s not a bad guy. he’s still young, only 21, and things change all the time. blame doesn’t have to be placed on him.

i just feel like i’m absolutely starved for attention. little touches on my hand, my back, or a sweet comment can make me feel amazing – but why does it have to be that way? why do i get the bare minimum? my self-worth has taken a nose-dive. i am constantly questioning things; is my personality offensive? am i ugly? is there something wrong with me? i am too passive aggressive. i am too down on myself, and that makes me less attractive to others. i am shy. i ask too many questions. i am too grouchy. i am…too much everything.

deep down, i know i need to love myself enough to let go or stand up for myself. but that’s hard. especially when things could take a bad turn. i want to be careful.

i wish i wasn’t thinking this, but life isn’t turning out the way i thought it would. it’s actually quite the opposite. i’m not very happy. i’m not skinny. i’m not working a job i love. i’m not living in a city like i’ve always wanted. i’m not going back to school.

i keep telling myself that i have time, but words can only be so comforting.

some good things: i started using sibly, a mental health coaching app (it’s $50 a month but much cheaper than other apps) and it’s nice. i found a doctor and got approved. i can call and make an appointment at any time. i might just do that tomorrow. hope is never fully gone, it just comes in waves, dimming only when you need it the most. i suppose as long as i can see just the barest flickering light, i will be okay.