letting in la vie en rose

when i drink wine alone, i always want to write. i love writing while sober but something about the fuzziness of a few glasses of moscato that has me writing detailed notes on other people’s entries and lengthy emails to my online friends.

i’m just going to dive in from what i wrote about last. xena passed away on august 9th, and it was really painful for a few days. i’m okay now. i’ll always be sad about and i’ll always miss her. even though i knew her death was coming, it was hard to be there while it was happening and seeing the moment that life left her body. almost traumatizing, but i know she would’ve wanted me there.

i mentioned breaking up with cole. nothing has happened. he was very good to me throughout my grieving process, and he loved her so much that he felt the same pain i did. we had a really good couple weeks. things are okay.

something i haven’t mentioned is a conversation we had about a month ago. cole is in a lot of debt, from school and credit cards, and he never makes any payments so he’s in a bad place financially. i’m also in a lot of debt but i make regular payments. we’ve both made mistakes and done dumb things, so i don’t fault him for that.

his mom is newly single and moving to a new house she just bought, but he told me that one night she tearfully asked him to move in with her for “awhile” to help pay the bills, just until she can get her feet under her. i’m starting to realize where his money troubles come from – she’s buying a house that is much too expensive for her and is now asking her 21 year old son who has been moved out of her house for 3 years to help her with bills. i mean, you do what you gotta do, but…

he brought this up again a few days ago, and it honestly sounded like he was planning on moving out. he suggested i move back in with my parents but i would rather hang myself. and i’m not even joking. he hasn’t actually told me if he’s moving out or not, and i feel as if i’m in a weird middle ground of unknown territory.

living alone would be weird. sleeping alone, being alone most of the time. i’m not a stranger to being alone. before cole, i was almost always by myself, especially during college. i know i could do it. i was super depressed back when i lived in my college town with two roommates. living with someone doesn’t mean you have company all of the time. i was taking benadryl at night so i could sleep for twelve hours straight, skipping class, drinking several times a week. and i never once thought to seek help. i just sort of grew out of it when i moved away. still depressed, it just manifests a little differently…sometimes.

and what exactly would i be missing out on? i will admit that cole just feels like a close friend most of the time. we aren’t affectionate even when i want to be. so it would feel like having a distanced friendship instead of a relationship taking five steps back, maybe? i wouldn’t be missing out on cuddling at night, since we don’t do that. we don’t have sex. we laugh together, share stories, eat meals.

i don’t know. either way i’ll be depressed. i’m sure i’ll find out in the next week or two if he’s moving out. it’ll certainly feel like a break-up if it happens, even if we do stay together.

i really want tomorrow to be the day i make a doctor’s appointment. in the light of day, i will most likely chicken out. i am not looking forward to telling cole i’m going, so i just want to figure a day where i won’t have to.

so i’m going to spend the rest of tonight alone, drinking my favorite cheap pink wine and watching one of my favorite old movies, sabrina. i suppose it could be worse.