Today….

So one strange thing about me: I have a few memories from before a year old….and then a few from under 2…..granted most of my memories are traumatic….. but they are what they are…..I am not sure that I care that they are traumatic….it is rather interesting to have memories far earlier than most people.

The interesting thing is that I probably only have the memories because of the trauma…Which then caused me to not talk until I was 5. I could speak but was too afraid to….and now I find that I struggle with expressing my feelings, thoughts and have the poorest social skills. Making life difficult at times…while I have great intellect and comprehension….. any advanced concept is hard for me to then relate to others unless the first time or two that I put it into story form, then after  I can relay the information like any normal person. I know that when I was in the phd program it annoyed the professors and other students….they were so disrespectful to me..I feel like they compounded my trauma.

Now, I just tell people that my first language is stories. Although, truthfully I wish I didn’t have to process life and concepts through a story before being able to share ideas/ facts with others….and I wish people were less judgmental of people in all areas, not just those that are seen.

Life is difficult enough without people excluding you or making you feel as if you are not good enough or worse yet don’t belong there. There are very few times in my life I have felt like I belonged. When I left Cleveland to move to Toledo, I found a church where it took me awhile but I did end up belonging there…and I do feel like I belong here in Washington state… at least so far…..

One of my biggest laments is not that I had abusive parents or ex husbands…. But rather that I don’t feel like I have a support system…I am dating a wonderful man but I am always afraid he will leave me too….never that he will abuse me…but that maybe I am not good enough….I have 3 damn degrees, and made it halfway through a phd… I support myself and my last two teens, work hard, love harder and forgive everyone for everything and yet still feel inadequate. I know all of my amazing traits as well as my damn flaws…. I let my flaws take precedence….don’t remind me that I shouldn’t…. I am well aware that I shouldn’t and if it was so easy to stop I would have already.

This is enough for tonight… I need a snack and to try to get some sleep…tomorrow will be long…