The best damn doughnut EVER!

Ugh. this DAY.

I don’t know what my damn problem is. I just want to scream and jump out of my skin. I’ve spent the last 45 minutes looking at clip art because I have to make the Christmas Luncheon Flyer. I don’t want to make it. what if it’s DUMB.

Of course, i’m just being hard on myself. I’m sure it’ll be fine. But I’m a big suck and I get all nervous about stuff like this way too often. I should just do it and stop being such a whiney butt about things.

I’m suddenly really tired.

Stupid superhottie tried to text me last night and I ignored him. Whatever. I wasn’t in the mood. It’s this constant "not in the moodness" has me all blah. And as I sit here writing this I get mad at myself because it would have been nice. But why? Why would that have been nice? and why do i know that I’ll text him later just because I can. And I’ll hope to see his drunk stupid butt so I can get laid. Why? Why do i know I’ll do that and it doesn’t matter and even if i didn’t do it, it would still feel the same. like it’s just something to do. something that’s there. a boy. a penis. some rubbing. an orgasm. the end.

Maybe nobody has noticed, but I’ve really slowed down with regards to boys. and maybe it’s just me, but it makes me feel weird. Like, I’m not myself. That is a lame feeling, I know this… but still. It’s there…

I mean, I have utterly no distractions. I didn’t go nutso over photoboy. I took the "silent" hint and I’ve left him alone. I haven’t texted him or tried to call, and even if I did have his email address, I wouldn’t have done anything with that either.

It feels weird. No interesting boys. Just me. And what is me? What is left of me?

It’s almost like, I try to fret. I try to work myself up over W or whoever, and it’s like a car with no gas. 

*put* *put* *ding* *ding* *kaboom* *boom*

Just a sputtering noise, a few wimpy sparks and then it just sighs and dies. I can’t even get a decent tear out of my eye. I feel broken and used up and I just don’t have anything left. I’m a shell. A deflated balloon. A crumb. A crumb of a doughnut.

I’d like to be a full doughnut please. With sprinkles, and sugar, and a fluffy fluffy core. And I’d also like my doughnut hole. I want it near me. All puffy and small. The rest of me please. I want to be tasty and delicious. Put out on display with a pretty doily underneath me. I want someone to look at me and say "mmmm, that looks so good" and not even have to look at any other doughnuts. I want them to point at me excitedly as the doughnut man grabs me with the tongs.

 Not too hard doughnut man! Not too hard! I’m a delicate doughnut!

 And I want to be placed nicely in one of those thin white doughnut bags… with maybe a cute little doughnut man logo on the front. A few happy lacey napkins placed on top of me.

Take me home.

Lovingly take me out. With the coffee or the cocoa, I don’t care.

And take a scrumptious bite of me. Savor me. Let me melt inside their  mouth.

They say "mmmmmm….. this is the best doughnut I’ve ever had. It’s so good, I don’t ever want another because they will all pale in comparison to this one delectable morsel of overwhelming goodness…"

and they’ll forever tell everyone about me. How I was unbeatable. How great I was. How they live with me always in their doughnut hall of fame….

and they’ll sit with me for the next 10 minutes, enjoying me and loving every last bit of my doughnutty goodness. because I was the best. I did everything right. The best damn doughnut EVER.

the most delicious.

someones favorite.

yep.

that’s it.

instead… crumbs….

and i’m tired of it.

I’m tired of being a crumb. Of feeling like a crumb. Of feeling like I was chopping into little bit size "samples". Piled on some grubby paper plate and set out on the counter top with a little "try it before you buy it!" label propped up next to me. Grubby eyes and hands all over me. And everyone has a had a piece. they just took  every single piece of me and gobbled me up. and decided they wanted to try a whole doughnut. Decided that I was good enough…but not ME. Another one. Another doughnut. A whole complete doughnut.

but I was never whole.

chopped up and divided and used to make a decision, not to keep me, but to get something else.

and now that everyone has gotten to try me. has taken a taste. has chewed me up and moved along.

all that is left of me is this. a crumb.

a stupid left over crumb.

brushed into someones hand.

tossed in the garbage.

the end.

I mean, so what. it’s been 2 weeks or whatever since I’ve felt this complacent numb gloom sneaking into my head… yeah so what. I tried to fight it. I went out with a boy and tried to like him. tried to get my gears going.

and he’s nice and everything.

but I’ve got nothing.

and if he never talks to me again. so what.

so what to all of it.

damn crumb.

what the hell.

done.