Contentment

Tears start to slowly fall from my face. I’m exhausted keeping up with day to day tasks. It physical hurts to get out of bed. I would say that it is because my body is sore but I know that it would just be another lie I tell myself to keep going. It’s like my misery is all consuming and I feel it through every bone in my body. I am suffocating in this constant state of sorrow that I am masking with contentment. I attempt to lay in my misery, wallow in it just for a moment but how long is to long? Do I decide when to bring myself back? If I’m completely honest I would probably end up laying here for days if I gave in. I’m tried of living in survival mode and constantly fighting. I spent so much of my life fighting and what has it given me? Misery, pain, hate, anxiety, and depression. I wish I could allow this river of now raging tears to take it all away. Can I even wash it away? Is that possible? With all the tears I have bleed recently it would have taken it away by now. I’m unsure what my next steps are. How do I deal with the trauma? How do I move past the pain I have been surviving all these years? I sit here contemplating still no closer to answers then when I started these thoughts. If anything I am more confused and slightly frustrated. At least the tears have stopped. Now to continue masking this sorrow with this false contentment.