09/29/2013

12:42 am

In my last entry, which I had to go back and read so I would know what’s happened since then.

I actually enacted my plan to make things better. I won’t necessarily say that it worked because I’m still uneasy when it comes to Crystal, but I am better able to handle things. I was the bigger person (after fighting with Rachel about it all night one night) and apologized to Crystal for the lack of communication and I explained my stance and did everything I could to make sure she understood that I respect her and am not angry at her. I took the risk of rejection, but I know that I did the right thing at the end of the day and that, to me, was the best way to handle things. It was well received by her and we are now "friends". I say that very loosely because I don’t necessarily trust her, as I said I’m still uneasy when it comes to her, but I’ve realized there are many things out of my control.

I’ve gotten better at putting things in a box and disassociation. I’m not perfect at it, it’s still something I struggle with but I’m definitely trying. I wanted to try and make things better with Erika because I miss her and our friendship. She basically told me she felt like I would always have an issue with Crystal and that she’d have to "think and process" my apology. In later talks with Crystal, Erika still misses me and blah blah blah. I’ve decided that if Erika is testing me, by not talking to me and finding out how I’m interacting with Crystal when she’s not in the picture before she decided to reach out, I’m not accepting. I mean…why do I have to be tested? Why should I be tested when I did more than she ever did to prove my loyalty and my friendship? I did something I wasn’t ready to do and something that I’m not even 100% sure I meant. I was forced to take responsibility for nearly everything. I fought with Rachel hardcore because of this bullshit. Crystal thinks I only wanted to apologize to keep tabs on Rachel. What’s funny about that is Rachel and I hadn’t talked about Crystal for a couple of months. Moreover, I am aware they text regularly.

That was part of why we fought…I was talking to an ex and it never crossed my mind to tell Rachel we were talking so she brought it up after one night. A very similar situation happened when I saw Rachel texting Crystal. Like literally…the roles had been reversed. It was lack of communication on both our parts and I guess lesson learned? There hasn’t been anything come up like that since, but I guess only time will tell. I eliminated the opportunity for that to ever happen by telling Caterina I can’t talk to her and deleting her number.

There has to be a better way, an easier way. I realize Crystal isn’t trying to get with Rachel. She’s very serious about being with Erika and I think that’s amazing. I’m very happy for them. I’m glad Rachel has a friend she can talk to and everything. I don’t want Rachel to think I doubt her because I don’t. But I do need to realize why I still don’t like Crystal and why I react negatively when I know Crystal is texting Rachel when she’s with me. Rachel texts her sister and her roommate when we’re together…and it doesn’t bother me. But Crystal…it does. A lot And maybe it was the topic they talked about. I may be jealous that Rachel has met more of Crystal’s family than my family. I don’t know. I need to figure these things out but I don’t devote a lot of time to that because it pisses me off and it takes a lot of my mental power to focus instead of be run by my emotions.

I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Cuz now I’m a little pissed….and all I’ve done is write about it…

Opinions/advice is definitely welcome as long as it’s constructive.