2019

Well, here we are! 2019 arrived in amidst the usual drinking, hugging, and fanfare of fireworks. I spent the night at a good friend’s place with a bunch of her friends which was okay, I did have an acceptable amount of fun, but ended up getting a lift home at 1:30am (nearly 25 years old – still calls her mum to rescue her) after a few new people arrived who were entirely too drunk and rowdy for my liking after all my drinks had long ago worn off. I just felt my time would be better spent in bed at my own home and I was getting overwhelmed by all the strangers and the thought of trying to sleep on the floor of a spare bedroom with hideously loud music and drunk/vomiting girls…I promise I am usually fun and not always this old crotchety nanna type!

This morning I forced myself awake and out the door by 7:30am to get to the special New Years Day parkrun double. Which I feel I need to explain…So, basically parkrun is a community 5km event that runs once a week on a Saturday morning but on Christmas Day and New Years Day they always run extra ones…no reason why really, just because. The first run of the morning was hectic – 355 people showed up to run and/or walk! Which was awesome; I loved the atmosphere of it all and hearing everyone wishing each other a happy new year and chatting happily, it’s just such a positive and fun environment and I never ever feel bad when I’m at parkrun. Sweated my way through that one and then caught a lift with some friends to the next one where instead of running, I just walked the course with some friends and it was honestly so nice. The sun was shining, its a new year with new possibilities, and I was surrounded by friends and nice strangers (not the drunk, vomiting kind like the night before). For a couple of hours, I let go of all my worries and the tough expectations I’m imposing on myself for 2019 and just got to enjoy being where I was right then and there.

Aside from that and arming myself with a 2019 diary, meal planner, and budget book (all of which I’m determined to stick to and force myself into being a more organised and adult-y adult) and of course a solid nap, I haven’t really done much else with my first day of the year! I’m okay with that though – it’s always good to start slow, right?!

Meanwhile, I’m failing to pretend to care that Angus hasn’t messaged me at all today after I blew him off yesterday. He was originally supposed to come with me to my friend’s place for the NYE celebrations (which I invited him to when I was drunk and it was too late to take it back by the time I was sober because he was so keen). I know I’m going straight to hell when I admit that I lied to him and told him the party wasn’t on anymore so that he wouldn’t come but I think he might have caught on that I was lying, hence the radio silence from him today. Even worse, I don’t particularly feel bad about it because I’ve run out of bother with him. At first it was kind of sweet how charming he was while he tried to wriggle his way back into my good books (re: we date before he ghosted me suddenly to get back with his ex instead, came crawling back, ghosted me again when he decided to get a new gf out of the blue, cheated on her, told me we couldn’t be friends because I was too much of a temptation, crawled back again saying how he wanted so badly to be with me instead of her, got dumped when she found those messages, and is now insistent that he can prove to me he’s not a total untrustworthy wanker and would like to be in a relationship with me) but it got old pretty quick when I finally made up my mind and decided I had zero interest in being in any sort of relationship with him. Because that’s the thing, he can shower me in compliments and buy me thoughtful sweet gifts and say he’d do anything for me, but at the end of the day he’s made the past 3 years pretty shit whenever he’s reappeared in my life and not one atom in me believes that I can trust that he won’t go off with some other girl as soon as he’s bored of me. Yes, I sometimes worry that I won’t ever meet a guy who I can click with as well as we did/still do I guess, but you know what? Fuck it. It’s 2019 and for once I’m not giving my time and effort to somebody who has thrown it away so easily before. I don’t want to be with him and I won’t pretend anymore that there’s any hope we’ll ever get back together – we both need to let go of whatever we originally had because, for me anyway, it’s long gone.

I literally just breathed out a huge sigh after finishing that rant.

I feel good.

I feel ready for a new, not-shitty, year.

Ashleigh