Wed Apr 1
I feel like I’m going back and forth between days that I just want to end it all because it all seems so hopeless and wanting to try again.. I’m just so tired of struggling and digging myself a deeper hole every time and then failing like always. I’m so fucking alone.. I dont see the point today. I’m this disgusting unlovable thing and why would I want to keep going when it’s all just the same horrible experiences over and over.. I feel like everywhere I go my failure shines thru in my eyes.. everyone can see it and I can’t hide behind my fake happiness anymore. It’s so exhausting to fake it at this point now, and who would I open up to? I don’t care that other people feel the same pain as I do, that doesn’t make me feel better. Their pain doesn’t lessen mine. I’m alone in this room everyday from the time I wake up until I fall asleep.. this is the longest I’ve done it.. it’s been almost a year since I lost everything that mattered to me.. since I’ve left my house for any reason other than to go get cigarettes.. and I don’t know how to break the cycle. Do I want to break the cycle or just end the fucking loop? Therapy makes me feel worse, I can’t be honest with these people who have their life together and are good people. How could they understand? How could they not pass judgement when even I am disgusted by who I am.. how do you find the strength within you when it’s been stripped little by little over the years.. I feel like there’s only a finite amount and mine has been exhausted already. I’m so tired.
>>I’m just so tired of struggling and digging myself a deeper hole
Please listen to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gObtFk0X8C0
>>>I’m this disgusting unlovable thing
WHO has told you this? And why do you believe them?
>>>….everyone can see it
So? Let them look. Don’t give THEM the time of day, give that to yourself.
>>>who would I open up to?
A professional who can be that farmer in the well… or those of us who will listen, whether or not we feel the same as you. When it’s the farmer in the well, it’s up to YOU to either let him bury you or to use what he throws at you to climb.
>>>I don’t care that other people feel the same pain as I do, that doesn’t make me feel better.
That’s funny because I used to feel the same way when I was in similar shoes. It IS true, knowing how someone else feels does not help YOU. BUT… knowing how they overcame it CAN help you. If you listen, and if you let it.
>>>Do I want to break the cycle or just end the loop?
You want to adopt a different loop.
>>>How could they understand?
Because we’ve been through the same (or worse) shit long before you.
>>>How could they not pass judgement…
You’ll understand that when you’re over your obstacles. Because you will be 😉
Only YOU have the power to take YOU back. You only lose it when you relinquish that power to assholes who are too small inside and who step all over you in order to make themselves feel better.
@thenerve great response
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Please don’t do anything to yourself. Truly it’s not the answer. I’ve been there so… hugs
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Thanks for the response and I don’t think I would ever actually act on it, it just goes thru my head and I needed to get it out somewhere where someone might read it and be on my level for a second. Thanks.
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