Rules For Friends Of The Rock Concert Snob

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You know, I don’t think its fair that some people know the content of my entries before I post them…or even write them. Of course, it’s entirely my fault for saying anything…but still, it may ruin the absolute awesomeness of my entries if they already know the conclusion, no? However, I’ll say that if you already know what a certain entry of mine will be about, you are probably very special, most likely willing to sleep with me (although that doesn’t really narrow it down, does it?), or are someone I speak to away from Opendiary.

Anyway…I’m feeling pretty cocky and a bit asshole-ish today…so lets try to take advantage of that okay?

As I’m sure none of you were certainly aware, I went and saw NOFX last night. The show had some definitely positive notes.

• Their set was awesome. The crowd was full of rebellious energy that makes these shows so much fun. And I really couldn’t have picked a better set list myself.

• The bands efforts to get all the religious (any religion) people to leave, yet thank them for their money and their making fun of the one cop who had mullet (emo-cop as he was later referred to) was absolutely hilarious.

• My rediscovery of just how excellent the taste of beer really is – my last beer was some 2 and half to 3 years ago. It was really good.

• I saw a friend that I have not seen in years and it was great to catch up a bit away from that online answering machine known as Facebook.

But, of course, with the good comes the bad. The company I was in was pretty cool, except for one person who was slightly annoying. I don’t hold it against him too much, as he hadn’t heard the band before, and his annoying behavior wasn’t a character flaw (at least, I hope not), as much as it was a sign that he just didn’t know how to act at a show.

“How to act at a show?”, you ask, as if there is a certain way to behave. Absolutely there is! Of course they are unwritten rules…but they are rules nonetheless! And they should be followed to the best of your abilities. So, because I think that this is important, here is my attempt to write down these rules in a clear and concise manner. Actually they’re not really rules so much as they are a list of courtesies you should try to abide by lest you be considered an asshole.

• Make sure that you have done everything you need to before the headlining band starts their set. Need to go to the washroom, go for a cigarette, or get a drink? Do no wait until five minutes into the headlining bands set to announce that you need to do any of these things, especially if you’re there with a big fan of said band. It will drive them absolutely fucking crazy.

• If you must drink or choose to partake in any kind of recreational drug use, do not announce, every 5 minutes, how “fucked up/wasted/high/drunk/stoned/whatever” you are, especially during the show. Honestly, nobody cares how messed up you may be, as long as your having fun. Plus, chance are, if you are that messed up, people will know regardless if you say so.

• Do not start a fight. It makes you an obnoxious asshole, you miss the concert, and waste your money. Really, the guy who accidentally spilled your drink deserved to get beat up? Aw, poor baby. Shut up and listen to the music. We’re all there for the same reason. Music – not to act like dumb monkeys.

• This relates to the first rule. If you’re accompanying a big fan of the headlining band and you need to do any of the things listed above, you are on your own once the music starts. Don’t expect them to follow you just because you’re afraid of being alone in large groups of people. And, really, it’s common courtesy. This is especially important if the concert is general admission and you manage to get a spot quite close to the front row (even more important if you’re with someone in a wheelchair…hey, these rules have to suit ME somehow.). Do you really think people are going to save your spot? No. You’ll be lucky to get half as close.

• All that needs to be said during the concert is a knowing nod and a “fucking awesome/sweet/kick ass” or any other combination with regards to whatever song is playing. While the music is playing, nothing else matters. Not a “man, I gotta work early tomorrow”, or a “hey, ever seen [insert movie title]”…nothing. “But what if…”. No. I said nothing. Shut up and listen. In between songs or before or after the concert …feel free to say whatever.

• Do something…even if you aren’t 100% familiar with the band playing. It is rare that you’ll be in the same place, with 7000 other people, with as much as energy, all wanting and feeling the same thing, as at a concert. Enjoy yourself and the moment; tap you toe, bob your head, dare to venture into the pit. The more you get involved, the more fun you’ll have.

• A concert is not the place to look for a relationship. If you’re there for that, you’ve missed the point and wasted your money on the tickets. However, a concert can be a great place to meet a really cool girl or guy. If you’re lucky enough to have this happen, take joy in the fact that you are both there for one night only, to listen some great music, and forget about your problems for a few hours. Exchange phone numbers and/or spit afterward.

• This one mostly applies to guys, but last night, it definitely applied to some girls I saw. If you are in the pit or in the front row, it gets hot and gross at times, so it’s understandable that’d you wanna take off your shirt, for sure. But keep in mind that along with the hot and gross comes the hot, gross, and sweaty skin. Seriously, dude, you sweat a lot. This is important not when you’re in the pit, but when you’re on your way back after you get booted out. Those that are still wearing their clothes and not in the pit have no interest having your sweat all over them. So when you’re pushing your way back, keep your fucking sweat to yourself.

• The last, and probably most important, rule is this. Do not ask to leave before the encore. It is usually the best part of the show and it’s just plain rude to the band and whomever you’re with to leave before it.

Okay, my comma abusing mouth cannot come up with any more rules. There is no punishment for breaking these rules, of course, but if you do, there’s a good chance that you’ll be labeled the dick who ruined the concert for everyone else. Print ‘em off, pass ‘em out to your friends, and add any that I may have missed.

NOFX / Seeing Double at the Triple Rock (A crowd surfing Jesus and a flying nun make a cameo!)