Air Hockey

Today was a quiet day. I met my friend Steph for lunch. She’s kind of this odd younger person who likes talking with me about queer and trans stuff. I met her here a long time ago when she was really young. She’s still young but closer to 30 than 20 now. Anyway, it was a nice lunch. She makes constant eye contact and I thought I was bad for that but wow she’s intense!

I came back home and started making my mittens. I did a long tail cast on and then a couple of rounds of rows. I ended up finishing the cuffs today and starting on the gusset stitches for the thumbs. It’s bulky yarn so it’s going WAY faster than my girl dog’s sweater.

I’ve been thinking of connecting with a couple of exes while I am here. One kind of pisses me off, but I still think it might be nice to see her. The other one is Rayanne, I just think it might be nice to finally have coffee with her and catch up in person. I’m not wanting to date any of them again, I guess I just like keeping in touch or something. Maybe it helps me recognize how much I have grown.

I bought a pair of sweatpants today with the University team logos on them. They have paw prints. They used to have paw prints on the butt but I guess enough people complained over the years that they just run down the sides now. Disappointing, I wanted butt prints. Still it’s nice to have a pair of sweats again, I don’t think I have had any since I was in elementary school or something. I have a shitload of jeans but no sweats. Until today. I really just wanted them for working out in, when I go back to boxing in the new year.

My friend Laura came and picked me up to go for a drive this evening. We went to Indigo and looked at books. I got this cute one about a cat who has a pet man, and then bought this small tabletop air hockey game. I was hoping to just plug it in and play it tonight, but it needs 8 AA batteries and all my batteries are back in Toronto. I’ll have to pick some up tomorrow.

I’ve loved air hockey for a long time but don’t play much, it’s not easy to find a full size air hockey table. I didn’t even know they had table top ones. I always wanted an air hockey table but could never figure out how to fit it in my spaces. It takes up a lot of room! So when I saw this air hockey table for 50% off, I kind of circled around Indigo and then came back and was like “I NEED IT!” because I didn’t know when I would find one again.

So I have to fit this and my scrabble game into my suitcase to go home in two weeks. Hopefully it fits!

I’m glad I am collecting games. I want people over at my house more frequently, especially to get my girl dog used to people. And games are more social, and I need to be more social, and I need to have more fun. And air hockey is fun and easy.

Plus it would be a cute second date, to have someone over to play air hockey.

I’m sleepy! But my sheets are in the dryer. And I have to dry clothes for tomorrow still. I’ll probably be up until 1am.

It’s already late.

I didn’t hear from Jessie on Christmas, I knew she wouldn’t text this year, so it’s not a big surprise. Part of me misses her. The other part of me is relieved we aren’t having contact anymore. She refuses to like or comment on any of my social media. And she rarely ever posts even. Out of sight out of mind. I know this distance is helping me disentangle my heart from her, and it’s good for me.

I’ve been thinking about the people I have lost friendships with this past year. Jessie. Michelle. Robin. I feel like maybe it’s good these ties are gone. Maybe they are making space for people I can actually love and have mutually satisfying relationships with. Like, Jessie I was obviously in love with, and she wasn’t gonna give me what I wanted. So not having her around is good. And Robin, I loved her too, for years, in a romantic way. And she was terrible for me and I’m now relieved that nothing happened between us besides a messy friendship. And Michelle was weird, and part of me felt like she was keeping me around as a plan B in case her marriage failed (and it was failing from the last conversations I had with her, her wife sounds like a dick to be honest). And really that sucks, I’m no one’s plan B. I’m not a backup wife. Ugh. I should have reminded myself of that with Jessie too, in some regards she also treated me as a plan B. Anyway, all three of these women were taking up space in my life that wasn’t really healthy for me anyway. Robin was kind of tearing me down to make herself feel good, Michelle was being jealous and weird about Jessie, Jessie was being a general flirty fucker. Ugh.

Anyway now that they are gone, yeah there is an empty space. And Ricky moving back to Hometown is gonna make another empty space. But I know I can fill it with healthy rewarding friendships and eventually a real genuine loving romantic partner. According to the psychic this next year is gonna be the year she shows up. I hope so!

My big news comes out next month too. I have no idea how my life will change.

Anyway, today was a quiet but good day. I started mittens. I felt better about letting go. I got an air hockey table. Life is looking up.

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4 weeks ago

Next year will be a much better year for you and everything you want and need will be at your finger tips.