Casino! And emotionally unavailable women

The casino wasn’t AMAZING! But I did win all my money back after losing a bunch, with this ridiculous Willy Wonka machine. I need to learn when to quit while I am ahead, is my main problem. I ended up winning almost 200 dollars though, but I also spent a lot of money.

Quitting while I am ahead is like, something I am bad at.

I’ve been reading about people who chase emotionally unavailable partners, how they get stuck in these cycles of trying to prove they are worthy by changing someone’s mind about them or making them finally get serious, and how it just really never happens. There was an interesting comment about how women who chase unavailable men (or other women I assume) will invest so much time and energy into this non-existent relationship that they can’t just walk away because they feel like they want some kind of payoff they are never gonna get. Kind of like how I’ll keep gambling money away hoping to win it back. Anyway, I definitely feel that way about Jessie. Like it has been a year and a half since I first got interested in her and started getting to know her. It feels like a waste to admit that that time could have been better spent, that I could have gone on dates with actual available people, or I could have concentrated on other areas of my life. That I didn’t need to cry all the time when I was alone writing in my private journal about her. That I expended way too much energy chasing this woman who sometimes would throw a flirt my way and then run away again. Like it was a colossal waste of time and it’s kind of brutal to think of how long I spent with this. And it’s really concerning me that I might spend even longer on this non-relationship.

I went to see Ricky in her new place tonight. We were playing Cribbage, and I know she doesn’t like Jessie and I was trying to think of a way to bring her up without pissing Ricky off. Anyway, I was looking at my hand and was like “Jessie and I talked recently. We decided not to do private messages but social media is okay.” And then Ricky was like “Who decided this? Was it Jessie?” and I’m like “Yeah.” And she is just like “I don’t like Jessie.” She went on to say how Jessie just acts like she’s not accountable to this situation and that she wasn’t a part of it at all. And I was like “Yeah, it kind of pisses me off how Jessie made herself be the victim in all of this.” Like there really were ways Jessie was also culpable in this emotional affair we had. And now she is just, you know, free to go back with her partner acting like she has been completely monogamous and emotionally faithful this whole time. And yeah we never kissed, and she never admitted to feelings, but there was something going on and she’s managed to evade responsibility for it. Ricky said “I think Jessie just likes causing drama.” And I was like “Yeah she did really cling to being mad at one of her exes.”

I do get sad when I think about it.

Jessie finally liked something of mine today, after these months and months of not interacting with me on social media at all. It was just on my artist page though. But it was something at least. I hate feeling grateful for one crummy like. Like it’s not really a big deal except finally Jessie is being sort of nice like she doesn’t tremendously resent me or isn’t afraid of me. So dumb.

Anyway, it’s too late for anything to happen between us now. She lives with her partner now, my friends and family hate her, I don’t trust her, and she doesn’t want to have a family anyway. Like those are even bigger obstacles than there were in the beginning. In the beginning my friends did like her, but yeah then everything happened.

I joined this lesbian dating app just before I left Toronto and now women are contacting me on there and I feel so weird and keep running away. I don’t know how to have conversations about nothing. And fuck, some of them are like, 23?? And I’m 40 and so not down with trying to chase a 23 year old poly girl. Nope. Ugh. Anyway, it’s cruddy, I feel like a piece of meat on there and I hate when people start flirting right off the bat. Like warm me up first don’t go in for the kill! UGh. Anyway, most of them are back in Toronto and I’m away for a month so I can’t do anything about it.

Ricky wants me to meet someone in Hometown and move back here. But I don’t want to move back to Hometown. Ugh that would be the worst.