Exposure Is Bad

We went to the most scenic place today and I took a bunch of photos, but all the still photos were way over exposed, but the movie files were fine. And my iPhone pics were fine. I don’t know what is up with that. I think I need to get my exposure back to a manual setting and also switch lenses. Too late for the 12 Apostles, BUT not too late for the rest of our trip!

I got some lovely shots anyway with my phone and making some stills out of the mov. files.

We drove along the Great Ocean Road ALLLLLL fucking day today. Ricky was like “It’s 200km!” but I’m sure it was wayyyyy longer. Plus it was so windy going around hills and stuff, so some of the curves were way slower. Google Maps kept trying to make us take a shortcut, but we wanted to see The Great Ocean Road so we stuck to the signage. And it took so long. It’s 9:35pm and we just got here about an hour and a half ago. I’m so tired again.

Last night we went to some hot springs on Mornington Peninsula and had a really nice time. Talking and not talking, about relationships and what not.

The thing with Flippy Top is not going to go anywhere, she sent me a message saying she was overwhelmed with anxiety and not able to plan another date. So like, ugh, whatever. I mean it bummed me out when I got it, but also I don’t want to waste my time trying to convince her to give me a chance.

And I hate to say it but thoughts of Jessie still pop up in my head, and feelings in my heart, and I hate it so fucking much and I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t liked or commented on a single post of mine. And no texts obviously, OBVIOUSLY. I don’t know what to do about it, I’m so obviously in love with her and it pisses off my friends and believe me it pisses off myself. But I have no one to talk to about it anymore, except my therapist I guess. I’m fighting it and fighting it and I know I deserve better, at least someone AVAILABLE. And I don’t know why I am stuck in this feeling. I’m like, what am I supposed to be learning from this? I don’t know. She doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore, except in person at events when other people are around. UGH what kind of fucked up connection is that????!!?

Since Flippy Top turned down the chance of a second date, I revamped my OKC profile, but I think it still sucks. I really just want to deactivate it and get off the pool for a while and see what happens in my real life. Maybe I should. Ugh. Anyway ok ran away to disable it for now and it’s disabled and maybe I’ll reactivate it in the new year. I’m leaving town for a month anyway at Christmas, no point having dates.

And this is like, the trip of a lifetime. I’m probably never going to get to drive along the Great Ocean Road again. I’m probably not even gonna come back to Australia again. I’m having a great time really. It’s just in little moments, my mind drifts back home to that one person who treats me bad and yet we have this weird thread between us and it makes me so angry because sometimes I feel like I’m the only one noticing it. I don’t know, I’m listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine at night when we are having downtime and it’s sort of pulling me through this awful feeling of despair. UGH!

I was telling Ricky last night in the hot spring how Jessie got so upset when I told her we had an emotional intimacy, which I think all close friendships have naturally if they are any good. And Ricky got it, because we have that too. And yet it made Jessie feel SO WEIRD AND CREEPED OUT and I’m like what the hell we used to talk ALL the time and yet she didn’t want to acknowledge that was emotional intimacy. It doesn’t mean we are going to fuck. It means we were close.

I also feel guilty that I am having this amazing trip and yet my mind and heart still want to sort out this feeling for myself so I can move on. I mean I guess that’s what it is, I am processing this all alone. I mean Ricky is here with me. But Ricky doesn’t want to hear anything about Jessie anymore.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Jessie suddenly offered me everything. I think I would have to turn it down. I mean we would have to work through a lot to get to a place where that was possible. I don’t know. She’s got a partner she LIVES WITH. She doesn’t want kids EVER. She treats me horribly. I don’t know, why am I stuck thinking there is something? It’s so fucked up and I feel bad about it. My therapist says people can’t control their feelings or we would all be alot happier. I just wish I was certain that I could leave her behind. I know I am worth more. I know I am having an amazing life without her. I know I will be okay. It’s just like a sore in my mouth I keep worrying at with my tongue. One pain that won’t go away.

We haven’t seen any kangaroos the last couple days, there are kangaroo crossing signs, but no wild ones yet. We saw some wild wallabies a while back. It’s been a while though.

Tomorrow we drive to a cabin, and spend a couple of nights there, then head back to Melbourne for a night and go back to Canada. I’m having a profound time out here. As strange as it is. There is land I have never seen before, and animals, and it’s like been amazing at every turn. I don’t know what is going to give me this same feeling of awe again. Maybe when I have a baby or fall in love. I don’t know.