New Song

So I’ve been trying to learn a new song since last night, Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire. Three Chords! It’s ridiculously easy! I mean, the chords, learning the rhythm is a bit harder. I don’t have the strum pattern down. And I don’t have the timing between chord changes. I should probably sing along, it would help a lot. There’s a version where you pluck strings at part of it, I think maybe the trumpet parts, I haven’t learned that yet.

But it makes me happy, the other song was getting tiresome, even tho I don’t have it yet. And even tho it’s technically a simple song.

I went to my meeting tonight and Jessie was there. She was reserved but still got kind of sweet. I mean, in a friend way, not in a feeling me up or anything way. I really wish we could figure out this friend thing. I do want to be her friend, but I know sometimes when she was going on the other side of the room I still had to restrain myself from checking out her ass, which made me feel kinda shitty. Like it’s not a great sign for having a platonic friendship with someone. And part of me just wishes it was different and I COULD love her up and hold her in a meaningful way, but no. But maybe it’s for the best. She makes me feel really happy sometimes and really sad other times.

I’m signed up for a lot of work. A LOT! I mean it’s good, my schedule will free up after October, in time for the festival. And I’m not working full time. I really need to get more money. I have A LOT of money coming in the next while, but it’s still gonna be lean, especially after I spend money on freezing my eggs.

I’m in love with Jessie but I don’t feel as horribly tied to her as I did before, when I felt like I couldn’t desire anyone as much as I desired her. Like I feel there is room for someone new to show up. It feels more like some lingering feelings, and not like the overwhelming desire I had even a few months ago where she was the only one I wanted. I do still think she and I had some potential. But I don’t think she is really gonna do anything about it. And I tried and that’s all I can do and I’m not the kind of person I used to be, where I was persistent and annoying. I mean she did give me an answer last year. And I hope still that someday we can be pals. But I’m not really hopeful that she will be comfortable spending time alone with me again, which is a bummer. But what can I do? I’m not asking to hang out with her anymore and still somehow she manages to turn me down. I don’t know how she does that. Like I’ll be like “OH this cool thing is happening” and I’m not even asking her to come with me and still she’ll pull out Generic Excuse. Ugh.

Anyway whatever. Tomorrow I am going to Vancouver for work reasons. It should be awesome.

+++++++ON THE PLANE+++++

So it’s the next day, I forgot to hit publish on this last night.

I’m on the plane, I got an internet pass. I am excited about seeing some Vancouver pals. I’m staying in a boutique hotel that looks cool. My cousin is gonna meet up with me tonight.

I forgot to mention, last night at the meeting, with Jessie and the other people, one of our other collective members seemed to notice something between Jessie and I. Like, it was subtle, but I could see her looking back and forth between us like she KNEW one or both of us has a crush. Ugh fuck, am I THAT obvious? I was trying NOT to stare at Jessie, I’ve been trying to be cool and not be real obvious. And Jessie and I barely talk or interact on Facebook anymore, which was more public, our entire friendship right now consists of texting each other almost every day. But still this other woman noticed and I was thinking oh boy, here it comes! I mean the thing is, just before Jessie and I struck up a friendship last year, she totally cruised me at the festival right in front of the other director and we both knew she was watching us because Jessie kind of confronted her for looking at us while Jessie had been giving me this dominant eye fucking. It is very fucking weird and always has been. Anyway… there was something else weird, I was sitting at the far end of this giant room with this giant grouping of tables, and at first Jessie sat away from me near the door, and then I went to the bathroom, and when I got back she was the one sitting closest to me. She also kind of teased me in this cute way, like not super flirty, but it was kind of affectionate and funny. I dunno. I know nothing is gonna happen, I just feel sometimes that there’s this potential there and I wish it was gonna go somewhere instead of into the void while she goes back home to her partner. I dunno, she’s adorable and fun to text with and also I have to stop thinking about it. Aghhh.

Anyway, I got into my favourite film festival, so I am happy about that, now I am on my way to a film festival on the coast, I didn’t have too hard of a time with my broken foot and crutches in the airport and getting on the plane. I’m excited to be out of my town. Last night I had a weird sex dream about our new awful conservative Premier and I’m super embarrassed to tell anyone about it. OMG! That’s even worse than my Condoleeza Rice sex dream! OH GAWD!