Nonactive Listeners

I was disappointed in my hang out with AJ the other night. She was like, talking at me and not really asking me any questions about myself like she didn’t care. At some point I told her about the pan poly redhead with a husband and how I couldn’t do that because I need a serious partner. And then she’s like “OH but if the husband was AMAZING and blah blah blah.” And I should have known that was her own stuff, because she literally has a husband and a girlfriend. And I was like “NO I need a full time partner to raise kids with.” And then she was saying something about how serious kids are and even if your relationship falls apart you still have to think about your kids and I’m just thinking where is this shit coming from? Because I am pretty fucking sure I am going to prioritize my children properly.

Anyway it was frustrating. I notice that with some other friends too, they just aren’t interested in things I have to say or what I am thinking about or what I am doing. And I’m like why do I even hang out with these friends? It’s like they don’t give me room to share, or if I do try to share they just flip it back to be about themselves.

I had this one friend, well we are technically still fb friends. But fuck, I was like messaging her every day for a while to chit chat. But around the time that I broke my foot, when I was about to begin working with the fertility clinic to stimulate my ovaries and harvest eggs, ugh I just could not handle the way she would talk to me. Like I’d be going through this heavy life stuff and she would just turn everything I brought up into some unrelated or barely related story from her own life and mine me for sympathy for things that happened decades ago. And it was so fucking frustrating that I stopped messaging her. And she kind of clued into me quitting messaging her and I think she got mad. She stopped liking or commenting on any of my stuff. Which to be honest was kind of good because she low key drove me nuts and would ALSO always make it about herself. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU! OMG!

Anyway, yeah, frustrating. Super frustrating.

I had a work phone call today to start wrapping things up for this doc I worked on since the summer. The CBC loves our latest cut and we are just adding more b-roll, so the producer is gonna do a quick shoot this weekend. Seems shitty that we are all still working so close to the holidays. Oh well.

I found out the next ASL class I can take is being offered this winter, so I am going to go back and learn more ASL. I’m worried I will have forgotten everything from ASL 102, but I know they do a catch up class to help everyone remember in the beginning. I watched a video for the ASL ABC’s, but it was a video for kids and had lots of talking in it. And I just turned the sound off because I honestly just wanted to watch the abc’s and not get some whole story with it. Anyway, it helped. I wish I had my text book with me, I’m not gonna be able to look at it until I get home in January.

I’m going back to boxing class in the new year too, I’m excited for that. I’ll be going without Ricky for the first time, which sucks. But people are friendly there.

I went to a dumb movie with my Mom tonight, and after we went for dinner. I was telling her how the psychic said I needed to be with someone I didn’t need to “fix” because I was gonna go through my own stuff and need someone who can take me at my worst and not take it personally. And I was telling my Mom “I don’t even know what that looks like!” Because it’s true, everyone, including Jessie (maybe especially Jessie) has had huge flaws or big things they are working on and I end up with these kind of fixer upper relationships that obviously don’t work for anyone. I’ve often thought people should be happy with the person they are with and not want to fix them. But then I also remember relationships I was in where I would learn all kinds of things about how not to trigger my partner’s abuse histories, or accept really shitty treatment because “they can’t help it look at what happened to them!” Poor unfortunate girlfriends who would run at the slightest hint of me getting depressed or a little manic. People who were all about themselves and couldn’t give to me and certainly not to a child.

There was one ex I have who had a kid who I actually think is pretty awesome though. We’ve known each other for about 21 years, we met as pups in art school and had a tragically short fling and then a brief friends with benefits arrangement. But we’ve been close since, as friends. Anyway, she had this little boy around the same time my nephew was born. I only ever met him once. He’s fucking hilarious. She’s a really good parent for him. She doesn’t let him have an iPad, so he actually reads and draws and writes, things my iPad nephew DOES NOT DO. He makes art that is often critical of his parents and it’s so fucking funny. He plays checkers with his mom and they go on hikes and she rented him a bouncy castle once. They do fun things even though obviously he crabs about her because kids are like that. Comparatively, my nephews parents DO NOT do fun things with him. They are always on their phones, they don’t let him ride a bike, he stays inside on his iPad and doesn’t read books and his father discourages him from doing fun things like playing games. His parents are addicts and it shows. Anyway, when I think of the behavioural problems my nephew has, compared to the crabby but funny active boy my friend/ex’s son is, I really hope I can live up to her parenting style when my kids are incarnated on this planet. She’s always been a fun person. And I know her kid will also be a fun person.

I’m still trying not to feel rushed about making this baby. I have eggs just SITTING in a lab somewhere. Well, I guess in some Science Storage facility. Anyway, I am so torn between wanting to find this amazing partner who doesn’t need fixing, and also just given’r and making a baby by myself. If my uterus worked it would have already happened. But I need major assistance. It’s difficult.

At the same time I know it is finally pushing me to cut the crap and be upfront about what I want out of a relationship and to move on and go NEXT when someone can’t meet that. It’s depressing my heart is still dragging it’s heels about Jessie who definitely can’t give me anything I want. BUT the rest of my dates, I have been pretty okay with them not working out. I hope it comes together.

Sometimes I think about parenting and I get sad because I want it so bad and it feels far away still. Like I just want to get to that point when I am holding some tired kid until he falls asleep. Or talking with a little girl about her big feelings and how to work through them. Or making breakfast or all these ridiculously domestic things that other people probably take for granted. It’s not big things I am thinking of with kids, like I’m not thinking anything about when they get married, or big life events, I’m just thinking about like, wiping their snotty noses and trying to figure out what to do if they ever get bullied.

And then I think about how intimidated I am by it and feel like I’m constrained by waiting for a partner to do this with. Like maybe I shouldn’t wait. I don’t know. It’s hard to have kids alone. On the other hand what if I don’t find someone to love who doesn’t need fixing? Oh man. I wish I had gone through all this earlier, but at the same time I know I wasn’t ready earlier. I wasn’t even ready to live with someone until I met fucking Jessie.

OKAY that’s one good thing Jessie did for me. She made me feel serious about settling down with someone. She wasn’t the one. But she made me ready for the One, which is about as good as I could have hoped for this past year.