Oh So Pretty And Witty And Gay or Something

I went to the dentist first thing this morning to get my next Invisalign tray and have impressions taken of my teeth. We are almost at the halfway mark of the original 23 trays, at tray 10. Tray 10 doesn’t hurt really, not like Tray 9 did. It feels fine. I don’t know what teeth it’s moving, some trays focus on certain teeth that other trays don’t. Anyway, I’m noticing my teeth really moving.

There’s something kind of funny about my teeth moving though because it is changing my mouth shape and the way I look. Like, I had an overbite, so when I smiled it didn’t take much to get a super toothy smile. And now I have to really work hard to get my teeth showing in a smile. I kind of miss it I have to admit. I’m not used to what my face looks like now or how my mouth moves. I know I was so self conscious of my mouth before. But now I’m just kind of confused and adjusting. It’s changed in a relatively fast amount of time.

Anyway, the dentist was rough with my mouth. She always is, she’s not the gentlest dentist. But she is getting results so I guess I will stay with her. Afterwards I decided to go get my nails done because it has been a while and mine were grown out and gross looking. The woman I got today was super gentle and really good, way better than the woman I saw in Hometown. Anyway, my nails look awesome now.

I’ve gotten these special expensive clothes for butch women in the mail after ordering like, the day after I found out I was doing this fancy ass thing that isn’t public yet. Anyway I wore one of them yesterday and got compliments and was also so fucking amazed that there was no button gap where my breasts are. So many shirts, mens AND women’s, are made for people with flatter or smaller chests than mine, so I’ve always looked like I’m busting out and gonna reveal a superhero costume underneath or something. But this was like, remarkable and had room and looked fucking GOOD. And even though I wasn’t binding or anything special, my chest still looked more masculine and flatter. SO BIZARRE! I think just because it fit properly. Anyway, I ordered two more shirts from a similar company for masculine women, and I’m still waiting for other shirts from the UK. I’m really happy I have these shirts now. I need cufflinks for one of them though.

Anyway! Yeah I am just really concentrating on my looks these days. I mean no that’s not true I have a lot of other things going on. But for years I’ve coasted by in tshirts and jeans, and now I want to look good and dapper and grown up. And I’m trying to pay more attention to grooming too. I might even buy pomade again. And I’m liking doing my nails with professionals. Ha ha omg this all sounds so vain but I really have been like such a slacker for so many years.

The dogs are fine. My heart is fine. I’ve been rehearsing conversations with Jessie for so long and realized today that even though there are many things I wish I could say to her, I also know I won’t because I value my dignity more. I don’t think she will ever be accountable for the way she treated me, and I don’t think she can see that she did anything wrong even. Like she is just not that person. Which is too bad. But it also really just means that if I tried to have any of the conversations I’ve been rehearsing, she would shut it down or side step it or just not be honest with me, so there’s no point. I’d look like a fool if I tried to talk to her. So I won’t.

I’ve realized it’s finally Cinnamon heart season, which is my favourite season. Like it’s the only good part of Valentine’s Day. OH but my girl dog is my other favourite part of Valentine’s Day because that was her Gotcha Day. When she was a little baby dog and puked and pooped in the car on the way home. She bonded to me so fast. SO FAST! I was amazed. My boy dog and I came together when he was one year old, and he took longer to bond to me because he missed his old family, the breeder. He did though, we are tight now. His Gotcha Day was around his actual birthday in May. Aww I should do something special for my pups on Valentine’s Day. I get lonely when they are at the sitter and I have just come home or am just gonna leave and spend time without them in my apartment. They are such good little energies.

I think the difference between last year and this year is this year I feel that real lasting mutual love with a human is in sight. I have more faith that it is coming. And I really worried before that it wasn’t. It’s funny though because I don’t know anyone I have a crush on. And I dunno, like when will it happen? It could be soon or later this year. It could be any day!

Anyway it’s nice getting prettier for the day I meet her.