Preparations

So I am doing a performance on Friday. Today’s really my only full day of being able to get ready for it. I recorded the audio track. My original plan was to use fireworks in the background, but I flaked on digitizing my firework footage. Maybe I’ll just steal fireworks off the internet. It’s not for a film film, just the background of my performance. I got some props from a witch store, I’m basically doing a wax/knifeplay thing and then rubbing myself with turmeric and oil and washing it off and dressing up for a date. It’s a chill performance. I mean, not totally tho, cause dripping hot wax on myself is kind of intense. Especially for a live audience.

ANYWAY…. I’m relieved to have sourced the really difficult things, now I just need a bowl, oil, and turmeric.  ANYWAY yeah I wanted some roses too. We’ll see. Lol performance art.

I got a response to this ridiculous personal ad I put in a queer flyer that was being handed out at dances and such. It was a fucking hot response and made me blush and anyway long story short (okay it’s actually a short story) I have a date for when I get back. I’m stoked! I’m gonna make her a pie. It’s funny but it’s happening before my date with the Buddhist who keeps pushing our Date #2 weeks and weeks ahead. It’s been so long since date #1 and now we’re looking at beginning of October.

Either way, maybe I will have a couple of dates and it will pull me out of being sad about Jessie who honestly can’t be with me and probably SHOULDN’T be with me anyway based on her reaction to mild confrontation. I’m tired of talking about it and yet there’s this hamster wheel of questions I have about it and I just keep running on it over and over in my head, not getting anywhere. It makes me depressed. But I know there’s got to be someone after Jessie, I don’t know who. MAYBE this person who messaged me. I don’t know.

I keep listening to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj and identifying with it because that’s how I feel about Jessie and I. And it’s like, such a sad song. I was ridiculous and posted it on my facebook last night but only my friend Steph liked it. I dunno maybe it was passive aggressive, I kind of hoped Jessie would listen to it but she was probably in bed when I posted it. And she probably doesn’t check my facebook stuff anymore.

I hope my knife isn’t sharp. I guess I should check that. I could dull it when I get home, but for now I have to be careful with it.

I’m feeling very weird. I guess I am in a transitory space. Like the Jessie thing is so obviously ending. Or has ended. And I have to go on with life and I’m just feeling like a mopey sad boy not wanting to leave her behind and knowing I must. It’s like this with everyone I love. I guess I’m just tired of how many endings there have been. I want to finally have a really beginning with something that doesn’t ever end. I don’t know why endless love sounds so improbable right now. I guess because I’ve been chasing someone who is very flippant with my heart. And I mean she didn’t really have to be serious about me. But she could have avoided flirting with me.

I was thinking a lot about my relationship with an old ex, AD, back in Van. She and I have this feeling, like when we look into each others eyes, I can see this really complicated love and this note hangs between us like there’s still a connection. But it’s too late. She’s married, we live in opposite ends of a really big country. She has an open marriage but I know she’s decided I need something more serious than an on off fling with her when we are in the same place. And it’s true, she has a good point about that. Still it’s so strange, to know there’s this echo of something old between us that to me feels really real and also really not something we can do again.

I was talking about it with my friend Flare last night, how there’s some people you never really stop loving. Like it isn’t this exploding huge blinding love though, it’s more like when you have a low grade headache all the time, and it’s just so much a part of you you don’t think about it until you check in with yourself and are like “RIGHT I still have that headache.” Like not to say my feelings for the women I still love are painful. Just that they’re there and when I check in with my heart they just still fit in there. It’s not that many people. I mean I love my first real girlfriend IV but it’s also tinged with pain and we’re never gonna see each other again, so it’s different than the ones who are still in my life. Like Rayanne, I still love her a lot, and I might be able to be with her except she has a husband now and they seem really happy together and I’ve accepted life had different paths for us. And AD, I’ll always love AD. She was a really tender part of my history. Those two were probably the big ones.

I might always love Jessie. I’m kind of bummed about it. I know that doesn’t mean I can’t love someone new. But it’s gonna make me sad for a while.

Anyway I am just charging my phone up until I can go over to the mall and buy a sweater. I came here with just a leather and a jean jacket and they are too damn chilly on their own. So a sweater is getting necessary and a chill is coming.