Thaw

Yesterday I got looped into a work related FB chat with Jessie and two of our collective members about work stuff. Jessie made this remark asking for suggestions of QTBIPOC artists to approach for a work thing in her other org she is a part of. AND I was like oh shit, I need to say something to her, because I know in a way she was trying to ask me for names of Indigenous artists without being super direct. So after a while I finally tagged her and suggested like three people. And then she didn’t respond. And just because things have been so difficult between us, I felt kind of sad. Like maybe she would just ignore me, and be super cold. And then I kind of had a downward spiral of sad thoughts about us. But this morning she responded to me in the group chat and thanked me. And I felt a bit better. It’s the first time she’s directly addressed me, even though it’s just a work thing it’s at least something.

I do miss our texting. It’s hard. I loved her, as bad for me as it was.

I re-read my email I had written to her, not the exact email but the first draft. I’m scared to read those emails again because her response was so painful. I was remembering sort of the things I added to the final one though. It was a really loving gentle email and I’m so sad she took it so badly. Like I wasn’t even asking to be her girlfriend. I really just wanted to know if I should give up on us ever being alone again, and if my texting was bothering her. I don’t know, maybe she thought I didn’t WANT to text her if she wouldn’t see me again. But I wasn’t holding our friendship hostage that way, I really just didn’t want to be a creep. ALTHOUGH it is really weird to text and never hang out. Like what is that about? But I dunno, I feel like a creep anyway. I know it takes two, and she’s been part of this confusing mess also. But yeah, it’s weird.

IN other news. Out here at this festival and showed a bunch of films and some were explicit and my dad was in the audience and it was SUPER AWKWARD. OMG. He wants to come to my performance but I have to tell him no cause I’m naked the whole time. AWKWARD!

Mom was supposed to come down and hang out, but she’s coming to Toronto in October so we can hang out then.

I miss Jessie. I really still love her and sometimes hate myself for it. I know her reaction was like a bad reaction, and it’s a BAD SIGN even if we did get together in the end. Like that’s not the kind of response I want to get for a loving check in email. Even just as friends.