Broken record

today is Wednesday. I probably smoked my last blunt around 9:30p last night. I know I always say I quit.
but I mean it this time.

ive been struggling with weed forever. I was able to quit for lent…but then I went back to it.

So stupid incidents have been occurring over weed and my sleep is so fucked up. I literally cannot sleep regularly. This is because of weed.

so I’m back to no smoking. No matter what. I have studio on Saturday. I don’t want to smoke because it will make everyone and everything messed up. I’m ready now.

i want my body back. I want my sleep back. I don’t want these low lives around me anymore. I want to do better.

Dear God, I heard a saying to say: “wouldn’t it be nice?” I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m beyond unhappy. Not sure what to do. My mom is almost incoherent. I hate my siblings. I don’t like a lot of things. I hate my life, my car, where I live. I don’t hate them. It’s more like…why don’t I have better? It’s a weird feeling. I’m supposed to be grateful and even when I woke with a disabled girl…I can still only think of myself. Sure I love working with her but I think- her life sucks and my life sucks..in different way. It’s not a competition. It’s just a reality. I don’t have the right connections, I don’t come from money, I’m not willing to sleep with anybody….its too much.

God help me.
im trying to follow your ways.
I want to live love and be happy.

instead, I feel sad depressed sleepless.

But I’m ready now. I feel ready. Last time I got so upset and smoked. Next time I’ll get so upset and workout. I know now that smoking is not the answer.