Finally laying down…for now.

Dear Jesus,

im exhausted. I been up since 6:30am. Right now all I want to do is fall asleep. I have been in isolation which is best for me. I wonder what kind of personality I have. I like to be by myself. I like spend time alone. I don’t really like talking to anyone besides my parents. And the only time I feel most confident is when I’m performing on a stage. It’s the weirdest thing. I have this weird obsession with food and it’s not just because I quit smoking weed. I just could eat all day if I could. But luckily, I’m becoming more aware and don’t like the bloated feeling or the uncomfortable feeling of being “too full”.

in my head, it would be impossible to be skinny but I do know it’s doable…it’s really a matter of finding fun in movement. If I could do karate I would like it but being around adults would annoy me….i prefer private one on one settings…in dark rooms…like Body 20… but that’s like $2k a month. I would like hot yoga…but there isn’t a place close to me enough and it’s probably expensive too.

so I’ll just move by myself in front of the tv and do light exercises while I’m at miss smiths house. Tomorrow I have to wash my hair, go through footage while my hair is drying, pack all my things, wash any last minute things and do self care before bed. I may work out after working for Anabel tomorrow- if I’m not too tired.

today, Allison’s husband looked at my TikTok-I blocked him. I know it wasn’t Anabel’s dad…it was her mom spying.

it’s really time for me to go to bed. I just wish I could just snap my fingers and fall asleep. I wish I had the energy to do more things. I feel aggravated. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s just a pain that I can’t explain. Going to take an extra sleeping pill, take off this bra, and go to sleep. Please take all my discomfort away in Jesus name. Amen