House of Blues

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for such an amazing learning experience last night. I learned that I need to pick some cover songs for people to relate to, I learned that one drink is good enough, I learned to stay away from temptation, I learned to work on my facial expressions, and I learned to give out something cheap to people that will make them think of me…I saw someone pass out flowers…but make I could do those light up hand wands.

my pastor asked me how I was feeling today. It was great because I was able to tell him exactly how I feel. I told my pastor that waiting on you is the hardest thing for me. It’s the waiting that may have lead me back to smoking in the past for comfort. However, I realize that waiting onthe lord can be a great thing. I get to prepare as my faith grows from waiting on him. Some of the tallest and strongest trees spend the majority of their existence blooming underneath the soil with strong rooting..like the Chinese bamboo…it takes five years before blooming.

one day, when I go to heaven, God could ask me-what took you so long to finally have trust? I was giving you enough time to prepare, get everything in order, and strengthen the weak areas in your life so you will have the best foundation for success in music and film.

I should use THIS TIME to PREPARE. I never go to acting class, so when I did-such a breakthrough! I learned so many techniques in the first night! I realize – STICK WITH ACTING CLASS… because once you make it- you won’t have the luxury of taking acting classes in public. Enjoy the camaraderie of other actors…soak in all the knowledge you can.

and with music, I have the best singing coaches here in Houston. Sure they are $150 for 50 measley minutes but I can tell they care. The lady HATES when I smoke…if I want to continue working with her- I really must quit for good. That’s why I love working with her…she looks at weed like it’s the devil. I need that. I need someone that has boundaries.

i think I need to change my therapist sometimes. She just lets me rant on and on…it’s nice though. I like someone who can just listen. She reminds me of Shervy…I rant and rant, and then he will offer one or two sentences of wisdom.

it’s almost 10am. I must rush around and do the most I can before 1pm. I have to go to the dollar store, bank, and then get a massage. Afterwards, drive to my parents to get my mail and wash clothes. I also need to prep my music song list and look over the videos from my last show. A lot to do!
11am-11:30 dollar store

11:45-12:45 bank

massage 1-2

drive to parents 2-3

wash clothes 4-6

open mail 4-6

song list 5-7

computer 6-7

go home 8-9

sleep 11-7am

It’s strange when I make my list. I look at the list and say to myself: so this is how I spend my precious time on earth….but I must thank God for the simple things. It could be worse …I got it good. I can do all these things with a sound mind and a healthy body!

I was just texted “you are a true star” by a woman who got my number last night! That’s so sweet! I want to be a true star. For me, that looks like someone who is giving, encouraging, helpful, a representative of God, extremely talented, charming, intelligent…moves with love and kindness…an example of someone who want to bring joy and positivity. I must always try to maintain a positivity but when I face devils in the industry- I must avoid them at all costs…but if I can’t, then I will ask God to remove them.

like at my job…Jesus! Can you remove the evil women at my job? Take them out of my classroom. Make me untouchable and protect me from their evilness. I pray for Clark who is the most underhanded because she facilitates all of the evil. I pray for Gray who is filled with hatred, envy and jealousy. I bet she took pleasure in my crying, but I pray that you will work on her heart. I truly wish for her to be gone the most. I pray for conviction because she uses her power for evil. I pray for poor Patrice. She’s lived a large portion of her life already and she is so bitter. Her bitterness has transformed to evil where she acts like she is a Christian but spews evil from her words and she harms non verbal children. She believes in her twisted mind that this is ok but I pray that you will work on her in such a way where all will be shown to light…especially with Clark and Gray. I pray for Romo and Mclendon…their followers. I know they’ve gossiped about me plenty of times but I pray you speak to their hearts. Give them wisdom and discernment. Let Megan not be jealous in any way. Let Romo’s heart not sway back and forth…teach her how to do what’s right. I see goodness in her but she’s a follower in every aspect. She does things to not cause friction. I pray for all the children in Clarks classroom most of all. I pray that they will not suffer anymore. I pray the children will actually learn things because Clark allows the substitutes to come in and do her job. She lets Patrice do her paperwork that she is supposed to do. She is the definition of a wolf in sheep’s clothing with me, whereas the other women outright show their contempt for me.

i pray that I make it onto the show, The Voice when I audition in September. Please prepare a table in front of my enemies. Or not…up to you. I don’t care proving anything to anyone. I just pray for your mighty hand to touch my life in such a miraculous way. Touch my mind to remember lines and lyrics. Touch my voice so it will touch the hearts of others. And break the spirit of addiction over my life.

last night when I left my performance, I went to an after hours spot where I know people are usually smoking. I think my flesh wanted to be in that old atmosphere. I felt weak the closet and closer go to this place because I knew subconsciously I was searching for weed. I began to have an inner conversation with myself: why are you going there? What are you looking for? What are you going to do when you are faced with weed? Are you going to smoke? Then I started to compromise and say: maybe you can just smoke this one time and it can be a once in a while thing…

but the thing is: weed has never been a once in a while thing for me. I need to look at weed as though it’s heroin. I just need to stay away before I sucked back into it. I don’t think someone who is trying not to shoot up again will go to Kensington park. Same for me, if I’m trying to not smoke again then don’t go where it will be present at.

Jesus, please give me your mercy and strength. I need you help. I cannot get over my mental addiction alone. I pray that you give me RENEWED ENERGY to go after my career that I want to have for the rest of my life which is: acting, singing, touring, films, and maybe even a television show…then broadway when I’m an older woman. I don’t want to do it when I’m young…I rather do it when I’m older than 73 so I can be around the young crowd:) amen