It’s been a long time…

Dear Jesus,

I don’t even know where to start…

So much has happened…

1. Met a homeless 47 year old that I let sleep over twice…I think he has down syndrome
2. I did my music videos and one of the models was shady
3. I lost THOSANDS OF DOLLARS…never won any of my claims (at least $3k)
4. Working FULL TIME as a teacher’s aide
5. Found a replacement hair stylist but she’s very expensive…next time I see her will cost me $200
6. Still working for Anabel
7. My family is at an all-time low in relationship to my mom…she spoke her truth and it didn’t go well
8. I had a recent audition that I truly want so badly
9. I am contemplating vocal lessons
10. Still smoking every single day – at least twice a day

I’m pretty full right now. I have been eating one of my student’s lunch meals. I tried to stop but I’m always hungry. Today I had a pb sandwich, banana, almonds, and an individualized milk. The good thing about working at an elementary school is that it’s hard to overeat. The staff doesn’t do donuts and sweets, my classroom doesn’t have a “snack time” and I’m slowly trying to ween myself to just a protein shake, coffee (twice a week/3x apple cider mixture), bone broth and dinner each day. I think it is possible. I have not gained weight from this job….usually I get all out of shape due to the cortisol…but nope, I feel okay.

Today I wanted to quit my job. I have this child in my class that is non verbal and is aggressive at times. He gives a mean pinch and leaves bruises on all of is victims. He’s actually harder to watch than Annie, because he can run away….at least with Anabel-she can’t run away from me like he can. We also have two other children in our classroom. One girl whose a bit sassy but can easily be ignored, and a little boy with long hair who is sooooo adorable. Only three kids total. Honestly I have it so goo here. Even the teacher, she is amazing. Shes only about 25 years old. She is a bit lazy, which is great! She’s always on her phone, which is great! She is always caught sitting down, which is GREAT!!

It’s like I am doing all the work, but not really. It just seems that way because she hasn’t gotten any of her cirriculum yet….whatever that means. I guess the school gives her assignments that she has to fulfill. It’s just me in the classroom right now with two children. The teacher is currently in an ard….which means I get a little free time for myself. So happy about this!

DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE THE ABOVE ENTRY BUT I WILL CONTINUE HERE:

I got sick starting at the beginning of this week. The teacher I work with came in our classroom with flu like symptoms. I gave her a mask and provided masks for the children…but she didn’t wear it or even attempted to encourage the children to wear one either. Because of this….all the kids got sick. And even with my mask on, I began to get a tickle in my throat and had cold symptoms….i used it as an excuse to take off. So yesterday I took off. I saw my surgeon, I got some microneedling done on my back, and I studied for my acting class. I’m glad I took off that day because I had a tiny breakthrough in acting class. I realized to only do projects I’m excited about and be fully memorized….oh and to turn the script in within 48 hours…a very crucial element. If you know you know..

A FEW HOURS LATER…

my phone died… I’m glad I’m beginning to find more sleep. Not sure what time but it felt like I went to sleep for hours…I still feel tired so it would be wise to take a sleeping pill right now. One moment while I do so….

Ok! Thirty minutes later I was a responsible human being and bathed and brushed my teeth. When I smoke, those things become less important to me when I come home from work and after smoking a blunt.

I don’t know how to feel right now. I want to complain to you so bad right now, Jesus!!!!! I’m so mad at you when you only love and try to help me. But I often wonder: WHY AM I NOT WHERE I DESIRE TO BE???

I don’t understand so much! Like why do I have these type of siblings??…a brother who never talks to me and a sister who is fake as hell.

I FELL ASLEEP RIGHT AFTER I WROTE MY LAST SENTENCE…

now it’s 5:31am. I have to be at work now by 645/650. That means I have to leave by 6:25am at the very latest…which means I should start getting ready soon…

I hate working Jesus…I truly do. Seems so unfair some are born into wealth or have supportive family members where they never have to struggle(like the way Anabels mom takes care of her chuldren)…

I just hate my life sometimes. But I don’t really want to ever say that because I am healthy & so are my family members.

i just need to pray:

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for my sins. Please help me break my addiction for good. Help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I wanted to be an actress and singer since I was a little girl…but now I’m 41 and it still hasn’t happened yet. I need to quit smoking for good. I want to be everything I was meant to be.

i finally was able to quit. Today will be my first full day without weed….and im ok with that. I just wish I can stick to not smoking for the rest of my life.

I gained allllll my weight back. But starting today, I’m going to make an effort to get back in shape. I may or may not do a workout class today after working my double shift.

im just so unhappy Jesus. When will things get better? How can I stay in a state of gratefulness when I’m just so sad on the inside?

I don’t want to be this way…I truly want to wear a smile on my face all the time- without it being forced. I smile alllll day at work, but it’s forced. I’m just smiling to make others feel good.

I need help father! Even my brother, he’s about to come into a lot of money(a lawsuit he’s about to get money from)….My brother never cared for me…I doubt he even knows how to pray to You…

as for me, I was lukewarm…still doing bad things while knowing You did not approve. I stole from Amazon and TikTok by returning different items, I smoked everyday, and I didn’t pray at all.

I just want things to get better. I’m so sad. Then I had to MICE in my apartment…so overwhelming…I felt like the MICE wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t doing wrong. I truly don’t know. All I know…this is not how I want to live.

i want to live a long life and have good health….but I don’t want to suffer on earth. Please make the pain go away.

please help me make more money doing what I love to do. Please help me get my music out into the world. Please help me find a way to make my two jobs easier to handle. Please help me with Shervy. My things are by him and I need to get some items back. I also prayed for an agent. I pray for my life to feel like it’s finally : a life that is worth living…

I just want happiness. I feel like being with Shervy by saying is my boyfriend was a comfort blanket. In my head I thought, at least there’s ONE MAN- outside my father who loves me. Especially since my brother never cared or speaks to me.

i just want happiness. I’m not anywhere near that feeling…I guess I’m depressed. I don’t want to be but when you haven’t accomplished your dreams and always working and living in the hood – you lose hope…the faith gets harder to have over four decades. When Taylor Swift had her dream, she had supportive parents. Her parents moved for her. Her dad invested in her career by buying a percentage of the record label she was with. Even beyonces dad quit his job to make it his mission for his daughter to succeed. I’m not saying that I blame my parents….BUT I NEVER HAD THE SUPPORT I NEEDED…at least my dad drives me sometimes to different cities if I booked a job…that’s one thing.

i almost threw up just now. I’m not sure why. I guess I get so worked up sometimes. I don’t know why the last film has not been released. Please put your hands on that situation. And my lay Austin, I want soooooooooooooooo badly. Please help me get this role I so richly desire!

The bible says that you already know our story and have know our story. But what about the children born into abusive homes, and then they later turn to drugs, and never had the chance to learn about the Bible or the teachings of You? Those are tragic stories I hear about on the show: Soft White Underbelly

 

that man is an atheist, he still wants to be a good person by helping them….but he doesn’t believe in You. He’s heard too many countless sad stories from so many different people that he is determined that you are not real.

so why is he blessed? Why does he have a lot of money? Why did his YouTube channel have so many subscribers, views, likes and comments…what’s that about? I don’t understand how he’s so blessed.

but the moment I begin to return things…I get police tickets, claims lost, and no blessings in sight-in the midst of my sinning. But to be lukewarm is worse that an atheist-because we learned about You and still decided to do wrong.

however, people like my brother know about you and choose to still not pray or ever go to church. I just simply don’t understand it.

it’s really late. I must get ready for work. Please help me be ten minutes early and I do this everyday moving forward.

please help me with my life Jesus. I need YOU to move in my life in such a miraculous way & I need my faith restored…where are you during the times I’m down..do you see me when I sin? Do you get angry and turn your back on me? Allow things to happen to me that are not good? Or saving me from the enemy in so many ways, without me even knowing?…

I don’t know how you work in my life. I just know I want my depression to go away. I won’t ever kill myself…I just want to live a life full of joy…I know that can never be a constant state of mind…but I just want my dreams to come true. I want to make a living being on stages to perform, doing what I love to do.

I guess it’s time to quit complaining and start spending an hour everyday on my craft. Do things to improve. Take my vitamins, eat better, get my rest, practice everyday, and most of all…keep you first in everything I do.

im not going to return items anymore…no more stealing. And I’m going to not smoke anymore. And I probably shouldn’t drink either – because it makes me feel like I should pair look with weed.

here we go: August 28, 2025, marks the beginning of a new journey of doing right at all times, not succumbing to my addiction, and working hard for at least an hour everyday towards my dreams. I pray that all my dreams come true. In Jesus name, amen.