Squaring It By
I worked this morning, got food after, picked up ointment for my face, went home, took a quick bath, spoke to my friend Joshua over the phone, ate and now I’m laying in bed. I am trying to find peace in this life without weed. I feel a lot of thoughts, flashbacks, and replays happening over these last few days…also I’m back to screaming help again.
it is not Tourette’s but it’s an involuntary thing where I scream for help….i say: Help help help help..
I do this in the car, randomly when I’m by myself or in public…but in public it’s more controlled. For example, I won’t scream it in the grocery store, but I said it involuntarily while I was working out at Hotworx…
I need help. Not just mentally…I mean like everything. I need a massage, I need someone to help me sign up for tune core, I need help with my bmi, I need help with advertising…I need help with my upcoming show. I need help so badly in every way….
I just don’t have the energy. Now I’m questioning myself, what was I doing before?..oh yes that’s right. I was smoking then falling asleep and not giving a fuck…well now I’m slowly becoming woke again. I pray that everything will be ok. I’m so upset though…I really cant understand why….
i guess cuz I want love…I only get love from Shervy and my parents….that should be enough-but when everyone else is a struggle bus with you, it becomes an issue wheee you question yourself: what’s wrong with me?
I REALLY don’t want this but…why don’t I have a group of girlfriends…and why don’t I have a long term friend…and why don’t I want to get married or have kids…and why am I the way that I am…?
im really weird. If you could be a fly on the wall and be with me for a month…I wonder what you’d think. If it were last month, you’d probably judge so hard. I CANT EVEN PUT IT HERE BC OF SOME ACTIONS… involving a masseuse from Chile…
I judge my damn self …all the time.
right now, I wish I was exhausted but I’m not really. I’m just slightly tired. I have to work at 7am…and when I say work, I mean driving to their house and sitting on their couch and only getting up to use the bathroom or eat a snack…that’s how easy this job tomorrow is…at least I hope. I hope Anabel is still asleep and I’ll go right in and take a blanket and sleep on the couch…we will see how tomorrow’s day pans out.
tomorrow I plan to go to work(one of three jobs), then go directly to parents house, begin to wash clothes, upload new video, then bring food home & get ready for work the next day. Life is so hard; I hate working. I just want to do nothing for a while…
now I probably should rest my mind for a few minutes before praying. I want to be in the right state of mind and right now now, I feel overwhelmed…better yet…NOWS the time to pray:
Dear Jesus,
I pray that I sleep 8 hours tonight. I pray tomorrow will be a good day. I pray that I can make clear decisions and have a sharp tongue. Please let me begin to speak life into myself. Let me only surround myself with good people. Please continue to guide my steps. Allow my mind to have better peace. I pray for Julian Vargas…he’s taken so long with my music video…8 months!
I would like to pray for the women at my job, I pray for my new agent/manager…and most of all..I pray for the right connections to help make my dreams a reality. In Jesus name, amen