Sunday at 6:30am

Dear Jesus,

im hoping to make it to church today. I need prayer. Church starts at 8:30am but I hope to get there around 9:15am. I don’t like the worship service because I used to be a part of their worship service…they kicked me out for maybe smelling like weed…they didn’t say that but the girl who ran the group with her husband said I didn’t “socalize” with them enough.

i get that maybe a lot? Nobody sits by me during recess at school. All the teachers sit amongst each other. But me? I sit by myself…preferably….i can’t concentrate and hold a conversation with my job. I got a damn kid that runs off and elopes.

i hate my job Jesus. It’s not TERRIBLE…but it’s SO MUCH WORK FOR SO LITTLE PAY!!!!!!!!!
im watching 4 kids and sometimes 6 kids for the price of one. With no help!!

im so overwhelmed everywhere I go. Even at Anabel’s house. It’s very obvious that I’m not as welcomed there. It’s an odd feeling.

last time I was there, the two other caregivers for Anabel acted shady as fuck. Fake bitches….both of them. Why do they act that way? I wish I knew. I hate both of them. And I don’t even know them but I don’t want anything to do with people that talk shit about me behind my back. And I KNOW they said something about me. I would say I don’t care but I truly wonder what I did to recieve such hatred? Like why? What did I do to you cellulite Danielle and muffin top Kirby? Eff them bitches…

I know that’s not nice Jesus…but I don’t understand the hatred I get sometimes!!! Is weed that bad??? Do the girls hate on me bc they smelled it on me ever? Did the church choir kick me out the choir because of weed or was it because I didn’t “socialize” enough? I just really don’t know…

and my job, I hate it so mkcub because it steals alllll my time!!!!!!!!!!! And I don’t like being around sooooo many people 5 days a week. And I hate EVERYTHING…LIFENIS KOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.

but the money I found….or was mailed to me by mistake…what should I do??? Something tells me to stick to the plan. Quit my job in January like I planned. Get the FML….

homestly I want to get the fml now. I don’t want to this job anymore. They said next week one of our skids will be transferred. He is so cute but such a handful. I will be so happy when he’s gone. I steal his on sandwich everyday since he never eats it and his mom lets me also order a hot meal for him….so I get some of that as well. Basically, I never have to worry about lunch…but honestly, it’s not worth it. I rather just live off water for the 8 hour shift than have to watch this little kid.

its 7am. Im supposed to be giving plasma for the first time in an hour. I better get going…

Dear Jesus, please watch over me today. Please forgive me for all my sins. Please help me figure out my life. Guide my steps. Speak to me ever so clearly so I know exactly what to do. I’m crying out to you for help. I don’t like myself these days…mostly because it seems like a lot of people are not fond of me…but equal parts-a lot of people like me too. Why should I even care? All I want is for love…maybe that’s why. I want people to love me, my films, my music, my personality, my heart and mind. I want to be successful and feel FREE!!! I want to live in a house that has stairs and a big bathtub with jets and a pool and TWO washers and TWO dryers…and TWO FRIDGES TOO…and an expresso machine. I wish to TRAVEL AND EAT GOOD…my version of eating good these days is buying Starbucks or Dennys. I want to be able to provide for my parents. I want to help my nephews!!!! I want to be HAPPY…..

Scott, my new friend, isn’t answering the phone. He’s avoiding me because he’s super broke and owes me $10. So sad.

what should I do now lord? Go to plasma? Then go to church? Then do my hair? Then go to my parents? Then get ready for work and be miserable for the next 5 days?…I know our attitude is a choice but when I’m forced to make money and should be grateful to have a job….i just feel like an overall shitty person for complaining about a job that may wish they could have. But I get sooooo frustrated!!!! What did I do wrong? This life sucks!!! But I want to live! I definitely want to live…I just don’t like this life I’m living.

so heat: then change it! Okay God, help me change it! Lead me where I’m supposed to go! GIVE ME THE ENERGY TO CARRY IT THROUGH! IN JESUS NAME. Amen