Oceans…

I live in Texas, near New Mexico. I’ve never seen the ocean. Well, I saw it once from a plane way overhead, but I’ve never seen it in person. The only time I’ve ever seen it is in movies and television. I have a writers mind though and I can see it now. The move of the waves. They are never the same. The waves can change from one day to the next, from one hour to the next. It’s never the same. I can feel the same flow within me. It’s never the same. That balloon I was riding in has deflated. I feel so lonely. So damn alone. No one remembers me. Rather no one around me remembers me. I know I have many wonderful online friends that talk to me and drop me a line and all. But I can’t remember the last time one of my friends round here called me to see what I was up to, or wanted to get together, or anything. I’m listening to music right now. Cheap Trick is playing right now. It’s the song just about everyone and their grandmother has heard. It’s I Want You To Want Me. That’s what I want. I want people to want me. I want people to need me. But no one does. If I don’t talk to people, weeks, even months can go by before I hear from them. *sighs* I’m just feeling so down right now. I don’t want to deal with all the things going on in my life right now. But I don’t know what else to do. It’s hard to not just exsist. To just go through the motions. It’s really hard to actually live life. I live in the middle of nowhere, I have no car, no drivers license, I have no money, I have no job, I don’t have many friends, and usually I’m the one maintaining the relationship. I’m not the type of suscide, been there, done that sorta thing. I can’t take the easy way. But there’s nothing really in my life. I’m here at home where I really don’t want to be. I’m attending a school that I really don’t like. I just don’t know what else to do. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a really, really good friend. One that you hang out with all the time, you go to each others houses, you’re just there for them and they are there for you. I miss Michael. He was the closest thing I had to a brother and he’s gone. I miss him. I’m just rambling, I don’t know what to say. This is all just coming out as it does. I apologize if this offends anyone I know. I didn’t mean to. Don’t take any of this personally. I wasn’t talking to anyone specific or anything. I’m just saying how I feel right now. I’d better go. This isn’t what I wanted to write, but here it is.

Damien