03.23.2023

I should be working. I haven’t been able to focus worth beans. I don’t feel guilty about it, I spent five years working at least 3 hours a day off the clock for this company. And yeah I know, that’s a choice right? I was doing patient care, and I didn’t want to sacrifice patient care or lose my job. They knew that and took advantage of it. If the company can “play the game” like that, then I don’t feel bad for this. My only concern is just doing enough to keep my job. That and the fact that I’ve been working for the company for 14 years, but I only grossed $36,000 last year. If I was on my own I’d be out on the street, given the way the housing market took advantage of Covid. That and inflation. I’ve been struggling for years trying to get through college, paying out of pocket and working multiple jobs. The only appeal this job has at this point is that we work from home, but it’s hard to sing the praises of that when you’re not making enough to even qualify for a mortgage. So I take advantage of it and I don’t feel bad about it.

I have conflicted feelings regarding my mother. Her death hit me hard; I loved her. But she didn’t do right by me in life, which makes me wonder why I grieve so much. Drax ripped up the pillow she gave me when she was here last and I was upset. But then I just reminded myself that the only reason she was here was because she needed a place to stay for the night because my sister didn’t want to drive a few hours to get her from the airport at midnight, and they didn’t want to spend the money on a hotel. The only time in my life she ever came to visit, and it wasn’t actually to visit, she just needed something. She bought the pillow for her to use, and didn’t have space to take it back on the plane. There’s nothing sentimental about it. I have to remember that because it’s not fair for me to grieve when things were so one sided.

I think part of it is that I’ve been fighting depression. I know my husband will want a reason and I can’t give him one. I have legitimate reasons to be depressed, like the state of our finances, my family affairs and deaths, work and school. But I don’t know that those are really why I feel the way I feel. I know I’m off my meds right now and that’s definitely not helping. I’m starting to have those wide fluctuations. I went to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy and suddenly it was $84.00. Like out of the blue, no warning. Our healthcare system is so jacked up in a lot of ways. So now I’m having it transferred and that’s taking days and of course they can’t tell you what it’ll cost until you go to fill it again. So I don’t know when I’ll get it.

I’m going to pay bills, and then pay extra on Drax’s loan this paycheck, and then next paycheck I’m going to wipe it out completely. That’ll get rid of a bill. With my tax refund I’m going to pay off Care Credit, so that’ll remove another bill. Then I can just throw a paycheck at Capital One and that’ll knock out a third bill. Not bad as far as paying off debt goes. I don’t count my car payment as bad debt, it’s just a cost of living. I’ve paid half of it off already anyway. That’ll just leave me two accounts to work on plus some leftover medical and school bills. I’m just going to hunker down and block out life. No going places or doing things, no eating out (trying to lose weight anyway since I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been), no projects. I need to doing my coding courses anyway. If I’m going to change careers (which I need to do because my company pays dirt) then I need to finish those courses.

Which brings me full circle. I need to get something done at work but it’s hard to focus. And it doesn’t help that nothing works. If I do have portal access, then the portal states the payor can’t provide us information. If I have a batch ID, the remits won’t pull up. Nextgen can’t pull EOBs anymore. There’s no fax numbers for me to send the reconsiderations and appeals to. It’s ridiculous. At least I know if I get fired I can just go work at a bowling alley and make nearly what I’m already making.