Life Unyielding

I want to write, damnit. I want to write and I want everyone to read it so that way, at the end when everyone stares at the carcass formerly known as Desi, they will understand the hows and whys. They’ll sigh and pity this fleeting life, but deep down inside they’ll all know they had a part. Now, before you liken me to Hannah, I’m not making a list of 13 reasons why; I just want people to know why I stay away, why I struggle alone, and never ever be allowed to say, “we had no idea”.

I would never plan my own demise, however, recent events have shown me that my actions are not always ruled by my conscious mind. I’ve got a feeling that my end is near, but that could just be the lack of serotonin in my brain.

On a good note, I’ve finally returned to a doctor. While I’ve had to relive every detail so that I can explain to wary eyes why I’ve tried taking my own life four times now, I feel relieved that this first step in the road to recovery has been taken, again, for the 3rdish time.

Also, Des…whether its a few days from now or a few years from now, read and remember this: taking pills doesn’t make you less of a person. You are not weak for admitting that you’re damaged. Your faith in God is not challenged by your trust in doctors. Take the pills. Get better. I know there’s a little bitch voice in your head that tells you how much you suck…but read this and know that I am proud of you. You aren’t “nothing”. I am 5 year old you, I am 14 year old you, I am you today and we are so much more than “nothing”. You’ll see.