Feeling tired

For some reason I am overwhelmingly tired at the moment, I can’t say I am doing anything more active than usual but in the evening I am just worn out. I feel kind of, on the edge of tiredness a lot during the day and occasionally I feel it is affecting my mood…I am lacking in patience more than I would like. I feel a bit inefficient? On occasion, in the quietness of night I feel deafened by a cocophony of thoughts that never really come to much, suffocated by overthinking and yet kind of missing a vital spark that compels me to instigate anything further, like for ideas to write a book or meh…. I can’t quite explain it. I am not an insomniac or anything, I am kept awake by thoughts sometimes, but no more than anyone else who might not be able to switch off.

I think it is in part due to the fact another month has passed and I am not expecting anything. I cannot pretend that we are making concerted efforts for a baby; we have been planning to add to our family for quite some time and yet, the time is often not quite right for one reason or another. Initially I was probably the less enthusiastic one about having another child, our boy is a ball of energy and I was unsure if I could extend myself to commit to another small person when he demanded so much, but times change and although he is still a ball of energy I can now see that there is time to devote to both him and another small- there is plenty of love to share too. Prior to ever having a child I always assumed I would have more than one. I am one of two and very grateful for my sibling- we get on well and you share so much with a sister or brother in a way no one else can really match. My husband also has a sister and feels the same about the bond. I think I also am aware how much you can need each other in times of loss. I cannot imagine going through certain things alone…I know people do every day and they cope, but…

However when I had my son all thoughts of being any more than a family of 3 was pushed out of my head, or at least pushed into a very far away corner! I was overwhelmed, overwhelmed by love…but also tiredness on the verge of hallucinating exhaustion, frustration and in some ways loneliness- so I had to contend with that and all sorts of things I had noooo idea about, I think it was all just part of being a new parent and most people will admit a baby turns your world upside down and it certainly rocked my boat. If we are to have a second child I feel more prepared for the stuff they don’t mention in the books.

Life washes over you in waves, some times they are huge, overwhelming, dark, churning, tumultuous and frightening -other times, mere ripples in the calm. I suppose at the moment we are in our lives at a stage where the waves are lapping gently at the shore, but I feel like the tide is turning and before too long our opportunity to add to our family will be swept away.

If it came to the crux and we are destined to have just the one, I am sure we will be alright. I will get the little clothes out the loft, sell the toys and the Moses basket that currently sits getting dusty on top of the wardrobe…I’ll manage if that is what is to pass. At the moment there is still time until the tides change, then the decision will no longer be ours to take.