Advice please

I can understand both points of view. But there is going to be a point in time, when eventually, if you decide you want to live some kind of decent life, you’re going to have to let go of the ed. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, and it’s very hard work. But how much time of your life are willing to give away to an artificial voice in your head? I’m not trying to be condescending, (cont)

I’m not trying to be all bitchy. Just giving my honest opinion. *random diary circle lurker*

honestly? it really sounds like he’s holding you back. the desision to not get worse is HUGE. chose what YOU think will be best for you. whether that’s based on the fastest you can get in, or what kind of enviornment you think will be the most effective for you. this isn’t about him picking at you-it feels like he’s really poking at you in a condesending unhelpful way. if he wants to support you,great. if he wants to control you in this passive agressive way, he needs to not be a part of your recovery. take care hon. we’re all here for you. xoxo *~

I don’t mean to cause confusion but I disagree with the above P.O.V. I don’t think he is trying to hold you back, I think he is trying to gently push you forward. He is tired, confused and probably FED UP (pardon the pun!) and at his wits end. It is no doubt frustrating. I sense from the above that he has had enough of it all. And he is right, he cannot help you if you don’t want to help yourself.

nobody wants you to die, elizabeth, but you ultimately do have to decide for yourself to get better NOW you dont have to let it run its course

His outlook seems idealistic.

actually, i disagree with sarah as well. i know that your ambivalence toward recovery is part of the ed mindset, but i really think the onus is on you to make an effort to get better.

I agree with the noter above me. I know what it’s like, but it’s not as out of your control as you perceive it to be, and continuing to frame it as such really will never help you; how will you ever get better if you never feel that the ability to do so is within your means? You’ve put yourself through enough, sweetheart.

Everyone’s made good points. It sounds to me too like he’s just really tired of it and he’s trying to push you to somehow make up your mind to get better. But I also think not going to hospital because you’re not quite there yet would be stupid. The fact that you’re trying so hard to get help speaks for itself – you do want to fight, at least. And yeah, they’ll keep you alive, but also, the treatment may help you to get closer to realising that you do want to get better, and you can get better. So figure out what hospital is best for you and just take all the help you can get.

ok, i know he wants you to DECIDE to get better, but its not really in your hands at the moment. You are sick. No matter what he says, what you are doing is a huge step towards recovery. Let him be there to support you, and try to understand what he is going through as well, but ultimately this is about you. You NEED to get better, and if that means AT LEAST not getting worse, then so be it xox

ouch. i hope you didn’t misunderstand me too much. i’m not suggesting you kick him to the curb. i DO suggest that you make it clear to him that it doesn’t help you that he won’t acknowledge how hard you’ve worked to even just get to the point of thinking to need some serious help. an “all or nothing” mentality on his part isn’t going to help either of you. *~

RYN: It was something I could relate to. I thought you summed it up so beautifully 🙂

ryn; thanks. i’m feeling better today. re advice; i was thinking of you today at lunch and hoping you were doing o.k. my husband sounds a bit like damien. i know it must be frustrating to be in love and involved with someone who is struggling. it makes them feel useless, cuz they can’t “fix” us. it does sound like he is trying to be supportive. he just can’t relate deep down. he doesn’t know…

…what its like. only you know what your going thru and if you truly believe “treading water” is what you need to survive right now. then “tread”. recovery is different for everyone. try not to be disappointed in him. focus on you right now. (hugs) xoxo

I’ve read most of your (recent) diary and have just one question, but I think it’s an important one. What’s going to be different this time Elizabeth? You tread water last time, and then you left. You need to WANT this, and barely keeping your nostrils above water is only cheating yourself.

You make a lot of excuses for your behaviour, some of which are valid, however you have to fight those thoughts not excuse them and the latter seems to be your favourite. Are you sure you don’t want to go to hospital just to hear people tell you that you’re sick and NOT to atually achieve something? Give it some thought…..

“The ED is like about proving you’re fully anorexic. It’s stupid but it’s true. We always feel unworthy.” wow. yes. exactly. i can understand both perspectives. and i understand why you two couldn’t communicate clearly – he’s coming from a completely rational, non-ED mind. you aren’t. it’s hard to understand anything with that in the way. take care <3

ryn- The power to get to the ‘point of rediness’ is also within you. You’ll never be ‘ready’ in that there’ll never be a time when you can fully say, ‘I’ve had enough, I’m ready and I want to get better 100%’… You probably won’t even reach the point of feeling as much as 50% ready.

But in the end, it’s just a matter of having to go blindly and pushing past the ED even though you don’t feel ready and you’re not at all sure about it… It’s scary and it feels very wrong to begin with, but without taking that step off the edge you’ll never get beyond where you are now- you can wait as long as you like to feel ready, but it honestly won’t happen (at least, it never did for me).

It was all about throwing myself into the unknown- and that choice was mine and mine alone. All the intervention in the world couldn’t make me take that leap.

Perhaps you feel that by going to hospital the validitation that there is a problem will be enough for you to make that choice, but you know there will always be someone sicker than you, it’s a competition you can never win (unless you’re willing to die).

ryn- What makes you think at least two more admissions and three years? If that’s what you believe, it might as well have already happened. Your life is what you make it. Why on earth would you want to throw away another three years Elizabeth? I honestly don’t understand why you’d be happy in telling yourself that.

I’m not trying to be pushy or cruel, but I honestly just don’t understand where you are coming from. Three years? Look back; what has this achieved for you in the past? Do you really think that spending another three years in this cycle will alter anything other than your health? The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break free.

I am speaking from experience here- this is my 7th year of this illness, and it’s only been this year that I’ve managed to get myself to a point where I feel I am closer to recovered (in terms of BMI being above 16, lack of purging and restriction, etc). I certainly never said to myself, I think I will be this way for 7 years;

In fact, each year when I did recognise how long it had been, it always frightened me a little that I had wasted so much time. I don’t know what you’re searching for with this, but I can almost certainly assure you that you’re not going to find it.

The choice is yours, but I wish you wouldn’t waste or take for granted the gift of life you’ve been given. I know you feel it helps you cope, but if there’s issues to be coped with, you need to deal with them sooner or later- and what is the point in allaying this for another three years?

ryn- I understand it being a part of your identity, but if you want it so you can feel you ‘belong’, I really think there are easier and less harmful ways to fit in. In order for the average to be 5 years, there are people who will only be this way for two or three, you know…

And you don’t have to be a ‘fat f*ck’ if you decide to move on from here… I find it rather disturbing that you would put it that way though. How on earth did you get to this point? What are you gaining from this? A few sick 15 y/o friends, a feeling of being special, is that it? You have so much more potential and for you to so consciously decide to waste it like this is more than a pity.