Strange * Edit + photo
Well….. don’t I feel weird today.
Today I feel alive, happy, vibrant and carefree. I have no recollection of having an eating disorder or disconterted feelings about anything.
I feel like things are just normal, on-going and yeah, just "take what comes".
I have decided to exercise again (moderately). have done half an hour on the bike. I feel healthy.
I have decided that I am going to eat low cal meals again (WOW!) instead of restricting to the nth degree. So this means I can eat 3 meals a day again and cook. Stirfrys (just vegetables), and breakfast of tomato and mushroom, and yeah. I’m eating all meals again. Just veggies and stuff but still.
This is weird.
I feel like…hmm, I don’t really want to go inpatient. Starve myself to the point of emaciation? Why bother.?Meh. That’s boring. I feel like eating low cal meals and being creative with cooking again.
I cut my hair. Myself. With scissors. I just was tired of it. See below.
Today I feel like I have no problem at all. And it’s utter silliness to ever think I need intervention. I’m fine. I’m not that thin, and heck, I feel like eating and damn it, I will eat.
I just feel fine. Maybe it’s the change in season. Spring is here.
This is weird.
I’d better call the hospital to take myself off the waiting list.
Well that feeling lasted all of 5 hours. Since then I’ve binged, felt like overdosing, hated myself, forgot who I was, wanted to be inpatient so at least I wouldn’t have access to binge food, felt out of control, hopeless, disgusting, fat beyond belief, and just plain distraught.
I am not stable. I don’t know who I am. I hate what I am. I hate not having ANY FREAKING CLUE how to handle food. And I hate not at least being CONSISTENT in my understanding of where I’m at. The ground keeps shifting underneath me and I’m constantly confused.
I don’t know what to do. I am lost, upset, panicky, desperate and distraught.
Pah. Fuck you Elizabeth.
i’d hold off on calling the hospital. who knows how you’re going to feel tomorrow. (i mean that in the nicest way possible, i really do.)
this is all wonderful, but i agree with the note above me. we all have really high days and really low days…and while i hope and pray that this feeling sticks around, i don’t think you should talk yourself out of treatment this way. xoxo *~
why do you feel this way? how can you capture the cause of this feeling in order to repeat it at a later time. be well,
It’s great that you feel so good but honey, this entry just doesn’t sound right to me. You’re still equating going to hospital with starving yourself “just to show them you’re really sick” (that’s how I understand it, forgive me if I’m wrong) and you’re saying you’re not that thin? You’re not that thin? Elizabeth, how can you say you’re not that thin? These are not healthy ways of thinking, and these are some of the things you need treatment for. The point of the hospital isn’t to make your body bigger – the point is to change the way you think so that you don’t see starving as some sort of validation and so that you learn to see what’s truly healthy and what’s not. I really don’t mean to sound discouraging. I think it’s great that you feel like eating again, and if you continue to feel this way, and actually eating, that’s wonderful, and maybe you can look into other types of treatment. But just changing everything based on one day is too impulsive. You didn’t see this change in mood coming so how can you trust that it will last? It doesn’t hurt you to be on the hospital waiting list. If you’re still feeling ok when they do call you, cancel it then.
Hey, this is why it’s good that you’ve made all the effort to get help and get on those waiting lists. I hope you can get into hospital soon because if you’re really prepared to give it a chance, it could help you to find some of that much-needed stability and things to work on, instead of just drifting around not knowing where you’re headed. Hang in there!!
Oh, and I like the hair 🙂
*hugs* sorry to hear. ED controls you, you do not have a say what so ever, at least not for now. Get help please hun. xoxoxo
check in and work as hard as you are able. hope isn’t lost. it just needs a lot of work to be realized. nice hair
you look pretty in your pic. i’m sorry your silliness didn’t last long. your not alone. xoxo
Hey. Thanks for my note. And I am almost 19… just so you know. Anyway- I don’t know how to explain it. I feel fine. Physically- exhausted, true. But I still FEEL fine. I don’t feel like I need help. I feel like there are so many people worse off than I am. And I am not saying other people are obese. Simply that I see myself as obese, and I fear obesity greatly. Please don’t misunderstand. I do
not understand why I feel like if I eat I will BLOW UP… yet others can eat away the world and maintain? I don’t. But it’s how I feel- there is nothing I can do to change that. I wish it were different. But for some reason, i feel like my body works differently- like every bite I take, will be another pound of fat added to my frame. You know what I mean? Uhhh, it’s hard to explain. I wish I could
explain things better for you. I’m sorry. All i can say, is that I feel obese. And I fear it greatly. I was never saying that I think others will become obese if they eat… b/c obviously, they are not. And I say things like, “oh well, that’s life” because there is nothing I can do. So I blow it off. A part of me knows I need help. but a larger part of me says I am fine. And too fat. It’s all so..
contradicting. I want recovery… but I don’t want to let go of ana. Anyway- I hope you feel better. Please don’t get discouraged, that your positive thoughts changed. It will take baby steps. But find those positive thoughts again, and make them stronger. Let them grow. I am thinking of you- you’re in my thoughts and prayers. take care. Have a good day. xoxoxo mwah!