2/19/08

I’ve found a precarious balance, surrounded by familiarity in an unfamiliar city.  I write into the night, sometimes for school but most times not.  I take vitamins instead of the meds.  Something about taking a pill, a handful of them, is another part of the familiar life I can’t let go of.  So it’s Omega-3 instead and I tell myself that this is an improvement.  I wish I could say everyday is better than the last, and that the sunshine and wind is pushing me upwards toward the sky.  But some days, I hunch over, hobbling here and there with my head down.  Other days, I skip class and burrow deep in blankets, take extended naps.  

Some days my sins are minor.  I take extra sugar in my tea; I do a crossword instead of listening to lecture.  

Some days they are bigger, heavier.  And my eyes are tired and red, on the brink of flooding, like an overextended levee.

I don’t worry though.  I bounce back.  I ride my bike through campus taking the time to admire nature where I can find it.  I smile at strangers and take the time to hold the door open.  I tell my mind to back off, out loud sometimes, and I try to enjoy the moment and then let it go.  

Its taken me a while to realize it’s the letting go that snags.