an update

god, it’s been so long.

and so much has changed.  but i find myself sitting on my bed, faced with the task of writing a paper about ASCAP and I can’t bring myself to do it.  so i’ll post something here instead. 

i’ve been lurking heavy here for the past few weeks, though keeping quiet because so much has changed and it seems like such a task to say it all.

then i remind myself that i don’t have to disclose everything.. baby steps will do.

that idea..baby steps.. that has gotten me through the past month.  without it, i think i’d start to resemble jack nicholson in "the shining". 

so..

i’m in los angeles now.  which is both great and terrible.  i’m also finally a music major.  again, great and terrible.  i live in a brown house two blocks from campus now.  and my room has peach-colored walls.  i ride my bike to school everyday.  there’s a pool in the backyard and, while it’s still warm outside, i swim everyday.  (and to that end, my hair is slowly turning green.)

i smoke cigarettes with my roommate.  she’s from germany and smokes all the time.  it makes me want them and i know its bad but i don’t care.  i’m stressed anyway, so i let myself.  i use whitestrips every night because i’m afraid i’ll end up with green hair AND yellow teeth. 

i’ve already started skipping class.  i need to find a balance.  the first few weeks were too much and i burned myself out.  i allowed myself a little time off, even though it is still early in the year.  i know myself, and know that i have to give myself a little breathing room from time to time.  but i need to step back into it, back into the routines i’ve made for myself.  i can’t get too far behind or i’ll never get back on my feet.

i don’t get enough sleep anymore.  this is, without a doubt, the bane of my existence right now.  i try not to sleep in on the weekends because it fucks up my entire week but it is so hard after having been used to sleeping in all the time. 

i do get to do some cool stuff now though..  yoga and ice skating.  i play marimbas, pennywhistles, steel drums, mbiras.  i’m learning german and american sign language.  and more about music that i thought was possible.

i’m busy all the time.  no really.  all.the.time.  i have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. 

sometimes it seems overwhelming.  sometimes i feel tremendously lonely.  other times it’s not so bad.  and i’ve had a couple of really great moments. 

september was traumatic.  october will be better.