mid-week midnight confessional

there are things i need to write down, though i am so hesitant to come back here.  this place reminds me of a solitary life, a life i clung to before.  and it was so heartwrenchingly pathetic that I can only come back to check on people i have ties to, to relive a secret history that comes with reading entries over years and years even though I sparsely note, if ever.  these small threads, fragile and tightly woven, are strangely important to me, though decreasingly so this past year.   

with that — these things that live only in my head, these things i wouldn’t dare say out loud, they need a place to live.  because i know that i’ll need them someday, when things aren’t so clear, so balanced.  that isn’t to say i’ve found balance.  i still strive, hard, for that.

i work in the music industry now.  i am constantly amazed at the fact that i have found my way into the door, that fickle and elusive bitch of a door, that i came to LA for, that i studied and worked and cried and sweat and bled for.  and now i’m in, starting small as i knew i would, but am in, nonetheless. 

the job is pretty wonderful.  intimidating as shit, but wonderful.  i listen to music, go to shows, breathe fresh air, lounge outside soaking in the LA sun, meet people.  i work hard every day.  i go to yoga most days.  i eat well.  i sleep well.  it is a sweet life, most days. 

but there are confessions to make, and i must make them, and here seems the only place i can.  i fear if i don’t write them down, they’ll evaporate into the atmosphere someday and i’ll forget these past few months, this past week, even this very moment.

one (and this is the big one): i feel myself slowly falling in love with my boss every day. 

i am, if nothing else, predictable.  and i know — jesus christ i know — that this is a bad idea.  i have to say, though, that there is something redeeming about this new man in my life.  he is, by far, the most appropriate person that i’ve ever been attracted to (except for the small fact that he is my boss).  mostly, i try to see this as progress, that i am now attracted to men who are ambitious, smart, creative, silly.  god, this is such a terrible trap.  it’s something i constantly keep in check, and something i would never dare speak out loud.  but i feel myself daily gravitating towards him, then stopping myself and reeling it in.  i started having dreams about him after the first week.  i do try to forgive myself some, to at least give myself credit for finally opening up to the possibility of loving someone available, someone worthy.  and he is worthy, regardless of what the title on his business card says.

it is still a bad thing.  i know.  i know.

two: i take too many pills. 

vicodin and phentermine, mostly.  and really only because i have such easy access.  i keep telling myself it will taper; that i will stop.  i watch intervention religiously, to assure myself i haven’t crossed that invisible line.  and though i haven’t, yet, it needs to stop. 

three: i have fallen into such a southern california stereotype.  i am recently body image obsessed.  the pills are the unhealthy side of it, the dark monster i keep well hidden.  but there are other things, other routines, things that have started opening me up.  yoga and learning to cook and hikes up echo mountain.  i have to remember these good things.  they are so prevalent in my mind right now, though i never speak of them.  and i should.  shit..i NEED to.  like…

the other night in yoga, while we were in final savasana, there was a moment that my entire body got so heavy.  i felt so still and my mind was so quiet.  my hips were like water, full and still and flowing, seeping into the earth.  there was a moment, a split second, of bliss.  i need to remember that; i need to bring myself back there more, where my hips are like water and my mind quiets.  more moments of that in this anxious life i carry around to give me some sanity in this hectic world. 

i also have my first real crush on a girl.  she’s wonderful.  but that will have to wait.

oh god, all these things just hit me.  i’m done confessing for tonight.  i need to sleep off this heaviness.