Late beginnings

It was almost a year to the day that I said I would start writing again when I felt better. I had just had my first baby girl. A year later, I am finally feeling a little better and think I am ready to commit to ‘write life’ and ‘read life’ again. I don’t think I can launch into the intricacies of the past two years straight away as the period has been harder to get through than anything else I have experienced before.

I am now the step-mum to a 6 year old boy, and a biological mum to a 14 month year old girl. I am 6 and half months pregnant with another little girl.

I have a partner who I have known since I was 7 and he was 5. Best mates for life.

It seems trite to summarise the plethora of experiences and emotions I have been through in a few paragraphs but I have to start somewhere.

He contacted me after a year of being clean of a 20 year old addiction to heroin. I was his only enduring friend from the straight world. We were in love, he was rejuvenated and hopeful. I was needed, naive and felt understood by him and determined to make it work.

The first three months together was exhilarating and then a mixture of terrible, violent external circumstances created extreme pressure on us both. Newly pregnant, I went off my anti-depressants and I ended up in hospital suicidal. When I had disembarked, he had reunited with his other lady, smack.

The next two years exposed me to a side of life, a horror show I would never have willingly entered had I looked into the crystal ball of destiny back then. I don’t know that I am ready to pour back through that legacy of deceit and disappointment now.

Instead, I am going to focus on the developments that keep me going now and return to the past when the time is right.

On the bright side:

We are together as a family (including his son from his previous relationship) and I am overjoyed to be having another child. Having kids in my life has given my life utter joy despite the other chaos I have contended with.

He is currently clean, studying full time and providing me with stable emotional and practical ‘around the house’ and parenting support.

I used to work in financial services and was retrenched at the beginning of the financial crisis at the end of last year, after just finding out I was pregnant for the second time. I was the only breadwinner. I went from a very substantial salary to having had difficulty getting the most basic job on a fifth of what I had been earning previously. I keep reminding myself that if we live frugally, I have enough money to get me through the next five months without getting into substantial debt. Once the baby is born, I might be considered again for a permanent position.

I am about half way through my adult teaching degree (only another 4 years to go part-time!).

My family and I are all physically healthy.

I have at least two friends with whom I can talk to about my relationship with my partner without fear of being judged.

I have learnt to be brutally honest with my family during this period, about my situation, what I can’t be for them, what I need from them.

I have maintained my volunteering mentor relationship with my "little brother" who is now 13 going on 21.

I have learnt more about myself, by questioning my beliefs, my principles, my boundaries, my strength, my vulnerability and capacity for love.

In a period marred by dashed hopes in many ways, I have endured and am still able to smile and dream about the future. I’ve missed you all and have much catching up to do.


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March 23, 2009

dear oh dear. so happy to hear from you again, and you sure sound happier and more solid than in the past. i wasn’t surprised to learn that you’re now with someone you’ve known all your life – it almost felt like i’d read about it or heard it from you before. parenthood is giving you new strength to deal with life and i’m sure we’d all be thrilled to read more about it take care!


March 23, 2009

March 24, 2009

Blessings from afar

So good to hear from you – I have thought about you often since your last entry and hoped you would be back again. I’m so happy for you that things are starting to work out, congratulations on all your good news… xxxx

Wow. Just wow. I’m excited to read your next entry; I’m glad you’ve endured. I look forward to hearing more about everything very soon.

March 30, 2009


April 1, 2009

he’s been taking valium as well. It’s the personality change that I find it hard to cope with. The lying, stealing, lack of a conscience etc. Until Mark started on drugs I hardly knew that they existed. I know just about everything now though, though not by choice!

April 1, 2009

If I take one, and nothing else, it knocks me out for the night! He fell asleep sitting up holding a sandwich halfway to his mouth, but was fine the next day! Have you had any help for yourself? I go to a Family Support group and find that in every case the characteristics are the same. I’ve also done training to work on a help line for SNFD (Scottish Network for Families affected by Drugs)