Sometimes I feel so alone…
I just finished high school and I just feel so tired… of everything. Ive had a really rough last few years and not just “haha my parents are grounding me im so depressed!!”. No I am very deeply depressed where I feel like a nobody, nothing will happen where i will truly be the happy little girl I once used to be. There are pictures hanging up on the stairs that my mother hung up, and one of them is me, happy, smiling a big wide smile. You would think that y life would be endlessly happy but no, I am so broken that gorilla glue wont fix me. Im ripped, pieces are missing that can never be found. There have been many occasions where I think about just ending it, but i dont have the courage to do it each and every time.
Ive been told im boring im a party pooper, truth is, I try to be happy, try to pretend that im not about to cry and just give up. I do my best to keep my poker face on and I do, no one realizes how messed up I am and when they find out they run and turn their back on me.
Im so fucked up!
Why cant my friends see it, why cant my fucking parents see it. its so difficult to continue in this life, i always think how weak I am to not just give up, im so fucking weak! Nobodys there for me not my friends, not my parents, nobody! Nobody will care when im gone! nobody! So why am i so scared to give up when nobody has my back?
Im sorry im typing all this on here I just have no one to go to and I needed to get it out.
Maybe you just need to refocus your attention. Try living and doing things first for yourself, for your own happiness. If you can’t make them see who you really are then look in the mirror, figure out what must be done to the person you are looking at. How you can help or cheer that person (yourself) Happiness, peace and satisfaction comes within. You just have to refocus and set your goals on what you want to achieve 🙂
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And I forgot to say, a lot of people feel like they are alone in this world, in this situation so literally you are not alone at all. You are just among those who feel that too. But that is ok. There are so many things you can freely explore about yourself and it is up to you now how you will want the exploration to be done. It’s true that no man is an island that is why in the process of this exploration you will still need the company of people around you but remember they are just passengers. They will come and go but you have to keep going. Bring their stories with you, learn from them and create your own journey wonderfully. These are my random words for a random story I have read from your random thoughts. Have a nice day 🙂
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Don’t apologize for who you are. This too shall pass. I was miserable in high school. Keep writing, it will help.
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I would suggest you see a doctor about your depression and, maybe, get prescription anti-depressants to help get you through this. (I’ve been taking them for years). You just finished high school, so 12 years of a certain routine, friends, etc., are gone. It’s a big change…kind of like losing a job. Are you looking to go to college? I know, with the pandemic, it’s hard to look ahead. Everyone’s life is upside down, but you can still plan for the future. Being engaged in something, whether it be college or a job, will help distract you from your thoughts. But get on some meds. They will help you move forward. We are all going through rough times…worse than any in my lifetime, but then, my parents lived through a world war. You are going to see many great things long after I’m gone. Hang in there!
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