Its been a long time since I have last written. Its been a long time since I have expressed myself at all, or to anyone. I used to pride myself in being someone who could open up about my feelings, anywhere and to anyone. But all of that has changed. I am not sure when it changed, but it did. I can’t express my true feelings to anyone anymore. I haven’t been able to do it here, or in my paper journal either. But right now I am in a weird vulnerable state and I need to get it out, I need to get something out…….
I am tired of feeling broken, and empty.
I had to sit with that for a second after typing that. I had to sit here and look at those words. Words that haven’t left my head since I have started feeling this way……. I have felt this way for a long time. I keep trying to figure this out. Figure out what the answer is to fixing this, to fixing me. But the harder I try, the more I feel this way.
I walk through everyday, doing what I have to do to get by, making sure that no one in my life knows what I am struggling with. I know what this sounds like, and I know what people think when someone starts talking like this. That I am depressed, that I need to see a doctor, that I need help before I do something stupid, that I need to talk to someone…… That’s what my family would say to me if I told them any of this. But that’s not what this is. I have been depressed before, I have been suicidal before, I have seen doctors before, and I cant afford to talk to someone. I’m not depressed, in a way it feels like that, but I am very self aware, and that is not what this is. I don’t want to end my life, I have too much to live for. I am not going to say that I never think that maybe this world would be better off if I wasn’t in it, but its rare, and I know that I am meant to be here…. I am just still trying to figure out where I belong, and what my place in this world is.
I envy those who figure it out early in life, or look like they have. I am getting old, my time to figure it out is getting embarrassingly late. Nothing in my life has gone the way I wanted it to, or the way I thought it was meant to. I am not working a job that I want to be working, I am not financially stable enough (enough to meet basic needs), I am single ( which most of the time I am ok with), I am not where I want to be physically (an ongoing battle), I don’ t have children ( something I have always wanted and I am getting too old for that to be a viable thing), and I am not living my life, I am just existing. That’s not the life I wanted for myself. I know that I am the only one that can change some of this, but its not that easy for me. The way my brain works and the way that I function is different then a lot of people. A lot of people have tried to understand me, but they can’t. I’ve been given a lot of great advice over the years, but none of it works for me. Again, I know, I am the only one that can change my life, change the way I live it, change me, but its not that easy. I feel like if I change some of the reasons why I can’t seem to move forward, or try to ignore the strong feelings imbedded in my being, that it will change too much of the part of me that I love, and that scares me. As much as there is a huge part of me that I do not like, there is a huge part of me that I love, and they just continue to battle each other for dominance, but can never seem to reach mutual ground.
So I say it again, I am tired of feeling empty and broken. It is that simple and that complicated! I just needed to finally say this out loud…….