First – Who am I?

I am not entirely sure what I will be doing this this journal entry thing or why I have decided to do something where it is online and public. I suppose that I was just thinking about different aspects in my life and I was thinking about how it would be nice to get my thoughts out there in some form of way that others will not know who I am exactly. My style of writing is very much unplanned and tends to go from my thoughts straight into writing so I am sure that if anyone does read this, it may be hard to follow at times.

So, about myself. Thats usually how these things go right?

I grew up in a relatively small town in the North East of the US. Middle class and nothing special. I went to a trade school for electrical and worked as an apprentice for a few years. I joined the Army in 2015. I like to think my time in the Army was badass but there were really only a few high tension situations. The VA says that mentally I am fine but I have been told by another therapist I do have PTSD. Makes sense. Nightmares occasionally, memories, hyper vigilance… I have it as well as some physical issues like the standards of knees, back and neck issues. Nothing too major with those but always pain.

I am married and have 2 step kids. I am sure I will comment on all of that eventually. My 2 kids can be a total handful with all their issues of anxiety, upper executive functioning disorder and a slew of other issues for my youngest causes all sorts of issues in the house.

I work for a school district doing information technology. I am good at my job but I always worry because I am not the smartest person out there by any means. I am just good at what I do because I have a general knowledge of all aspects of my job but I am not specifically good at any single aspect. There will always be plenty of people better at any single aspect of my job than me and I constantly worry that eventually it will be noticed.

While writing this, I have so many thoughts brushing the edge of my mind to write about but I am trying to keep this on point. I am unsure how much I want to share and exactly what. While no one will know how I am, I will always worry about being judged. I have decided that I will not lie here. I want everything to be factual. I have a habit of lying to make things sound better. Like when I talk about my time in the Army, I overplay what I have done in some cases or I might mention that I was trained to rappel out of helicopters and stuff like that but then not mention how I have never actually done it outside of training. Maybe its just that I want people to think I am better than how I see myself.

This past weekend I did a lot of work at my local VFW helping to fix the place up. Everything hurts now. I am only 39 but I feel like I am 50 but in my mind, I tend to tell myself that I am young but I certainly don’t feel like it.

The thing I need to decide on really though is how much do I want to get  into here. Do I want to house my random thoughts or what is bothering me in the moment or just all the things bothering me in life? I suppose for the first couple I might get a little into my life. Think about the past as the past keeps coming into my mind a lot lately.