Long time coming… and i’m falling down

Note: this entry jumps around a lot. my thought train isn’t really flowing well.

Well it’s been quite some time since i’ve written. I don’t really know if that’s a good or bad thing. I glanced at my last entry and i spose i my first update should be that grandpa passed away in February. He went and had the spot removed from his intestine or whatever it was and was in the hospital for awhile then they said he was all good and could come home blah blah blah… Glad i went over nearly every day to see him while he was home for that say week. I had noticed his breathing was a bit difficult should have said something… other noticed it too and didnt think nothing of it. He passed away early in the morning at my brothers house after getting my bro up to give him a pain pill and such… none of us thought anything of giving him the pain pills since he had just had surgery. *sigh* oh well he is with Grandma now.

I’m probably going to be having my old dog put to sleep in the next two weeks. She has been getting very bad over the last few months. She can’t really walk now and I love her to death but she can’t go on like this. Before she might have peed on the floor now she can barely walk a few feet….

I looked into buying a house to see about getting a loan…. but they wont give me one unless i get a small loan i have paid off first… no matter what i do i have no money in a month my hours are going to be cut drastically because companies are stupid and scared of giving away some of there MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THEY MAKE each year for people to have health care… I want government offered health care. would LOVE it… but people of the usa are to money hungry to deal with it. So doesn’t look like i’ll be moving out anytime soon still… I fucked up somewhere in my god damn life and can’t seem to really figure out where.

I’m upset with some friends as of late. One I feel only calls when she needs something. the other who is my best friend at that seems to want nothing to do with me…. she will say she is coming and has canceled visiting like 3 times on me in the last few months. Im surprised they even made it to my brothers wedding. And also unimpressed at the friend who decided to leave for vacation they day OF my brothers wedding.. whatever.

Oh and my brother got married beginning of June… so he’s married and has a house….. so yea i really fucked up somewhere in life…. fuck my life.

I am so depressed right now I just can’t handle it. Im off of work (with paid days so i dont loose the vacation days) until this coming thursday. Steve and I are going up to Tawas (town up north on the lake Huron shore with nice beaches) On monday until either tuesday or wednesday. I am hoping it gives him and i a chance to reconnect because I’ve felt distant with him although that’s getting better too… but I’m also hoping that I can recharge and get a good outlook on life again. I’m to the point i dont like my job… I dont want to go to work. I can’t stand being in my house all i do is clean every fuckin’ day. I’m so tired of life i feel like throwing myself off a bridge and maybe something would get better for some people. and then i half wonder if anyone would notice! This will be the first ‘vacation’ i’ve taken in quite awhile… and I hope it does help me.

As i said before been looking into buying a house and while the bank will only give me … eventually 20,000 to buy a house i could buy one with that money and fix it up. Fuckin people want like 550 to to rent a house… on fuckin crack… i swear it…

Anyhow this entry might have helped a little but i dont know… i just thought writing might help it always use to help me feel better… but my depression is coming on strong this time and i dont know… It’s like i’m trying to carry a brick house on my back and its squishing me while loose bricks hit in me in the face…..

anyhow if anyone reads thanks.

forks n spoons