To commit suicide or write a diary?

You can just pass this post, not read it, but maybe you will help somebody with something, if you just start reading this diary? I hope you WILL…

Hi everybody. This is my first diary post here and hope not the last one, so I will ask everybody to be not too much critical. Also, my English writing and speaking level is not enough good, I’m not from some European country or whatever… here you will see many and many grammatical mistakes, wrong sentences, but, excuse me, I really DON’T CARE about them! This language is my favorite one, so I have decided to write my diary in English. Am I very selfish? Yes, I am. There are so many reasons that I can consider myself being selfish. Thus, my whole diary is going to be about those reasons, you must be alert 😉

Soooo the title of my post is the first reason. I have writed it only for your attention to open and read my dear diary. In fact, I’m NOT going to commit suicide. Say honestly, sometimes I want to do it and this “SOMETIMES” is happening quite frequently…but at the moment, I think that this world is not that much good, to quit it in that way… don’t you agree with me? 🙂 There are so many thoughts making a war in my head that I’ve decided to make peace for them just with writing this diary. Maybe some people will read it, write comments, we will discuss about that mess in my brain and everything will be much better, won’t it? :/

Sometimes I can’t understand how people live happily. I want to approach them and just ask if they can describe me that fucking formula for being happy. How do they feel that comfort in the same place where I can’t feel that feeling? Comfort! The best feeling for me. I just want to feel comfort everywhere. Not only with my friends. I want to feel comfort at home, at work place, but it’s kinda impossible for me. Why? Is this a fault of the surrounding people? Or are all problems just hidden in me? Some people just don’t care about anything and live freely, easily. I can’t do that “freely and easily” part through the communication with other people. If I treat a person in a good way, I want to get the same attitude from that person. I don’t want to see fake faces and hear fake voices. If I’m not doing a bad thing to anyone, I want to deserve only good from those people. Why are people talking shitty things behind my back, when this is only my life and they don’t have any permit from me for doing it? Let me repeat what I said before, but there are the people that don’t give a fuck, but, unfortunately, I give. I feel so bad when I hear those disgusting whispers behind my back. Is there anybody who can tell me the secret of living without these complexes? Maybe when I kill those complexes in me, I will start to feel all comfort? Who knows…

There are so many “ME” and “I” in this small writing, another proof of being selfish, right? 🙂 So I want to read yours “YOU” in my comments. Can’t wait…