So much for keeping this regular thing huh?… Never mind, I’m here now.
It’s been just a little over a week (I think?) and I have done absolutely nothing productive 👍. My first mistake was purchasing Animal Crossing. My second mistake… was also purchasing Animal Crossing. But in between giving Tom Nook all my bells to move the god damn museum (Why the hell did I put it there in the first place?!) My day to day life seems to be just ticking by as per usual.
I feel as a self-proclaimed introvert I’m having the best time right now. I’ve got my switch, my newly acquired Disney plus and when I feel like adulting my workflow has been pretty steady. I know many freelancers right now are being hit by major hard times, so I count myself as super grateful that I have this opportunity to work with some really cool YouTube boys.
But, not everything is all sunshine and rainbows. We come to the main crooks of why I started this ‘chronicles’ in the first place. My mental health. While I’m not filled with the usual doom and/or gloom that accompanies depression, I do seem to be experiencing all the other traits that follow suit. My motivation to do anything is at an all-time low, whether it’s work, bathing the dog or even just getting dressed. I feel like I can’t be bothered. I seem to have developed the attention span of a goldfish, unable to concentrate on any one given task for prolonged amounts of time. And my food and alcohol consumption since I entered lockdown has pretty much doubled! I sit here typing, pretending to wonder why I’m like this when I think realistically I know…
Today I was supposed to get married.
I haven’t talked about how cancelling my wedding has effected me, to anyone. Simply because I don’t know how it has affected me… I feel like I’ve got to a level in my life where I am so good at suppressing any kind of emotion that I’m just numb to everything around me, and as a result, I have to act according to how other people would perceive me to be. I know I should be sad or angry, but I honestly just feel numb. Which in a way, is a lot worse.
I’m one of those typical British ‘keep calm, carry on’ types, don’t talk about your emotions, feelings. Always put on that brave face. Everyone else has their own shit to deal with, they don’t want to listen to yours. (To be honest, I’m a therapist dream, I got so much bottled up crap I could open a winery.) But over the last few days, I’ve had friends and family reach out to me sharing their sadness that today isn’t happening, and I honestly don’t know how to react. My phone is currently on silent, purely because I don’t want to see any more messages, hear anyone else say ‘they’re sorry’. Its not all bad, however, I still get a wedding, the venue and vendors were really supportive and helpful and we managed to get everything moved to the summer… but still… today should have been our day.
Anyway, I’m rambling now. Thanks for reading 🙂
Current Mental Health Status: … meh