OFTEN-ok

OFTEN I feel like I am going to explode because things are not going the way I want.

Often I feel as I have no control over my own life.

Often I want to control my children’s life and of course I can’t and shouldn’t. For fun I went and registered my eldest at eharmony. He got a few responses but of course I didn’t tell him so he can’t answer and for sure I can’t. I never thought I was a meddling MOM. My daughter is back in Florida. She is in the middle of moving and seems very happy.

Often I feel that I have no one I can talk to because I just don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to burden anyone and/or I don’t want anyone to know my problems.

Often I get so discouraged.

Often I get so overwehemed with all the people I should/have to call.

Often I get so nervous about the future. I worry that my hubby is losing it. He doesn’t drive the way he use to. I get fed up with him not doing certain things. Yesterday he put some boxes in the guest room. I told him he would have to close the bed. Now why couldn’t he take the sheets etc. to the laundry room? Why couldn’t he put the cushions back on the couch? All small stuff but it just BUGS me and I want to scream. I worry about my back and when and if I will get a lot of pain.

I realize that when my kids were growing up we had very clearly defined roles. I was young and innocent and never gave any thought to much. It was so easy. Now I am not sure about our roles because we are both "retired". I expect him to help around the house but most of the time he doesn’t.

I am still rereading my diary but often I have to reread the same entry twice as the changes don’t hold. I wrote the diary master and he has answered but so far nothing helps.

I haven’t been working on any of my hobbies. Not sure why……………….

 

Often I get so angry about having to ask my hubby for extra money. This will never change but I get so fed up. I am going to Toronto next week. I will ask him for extra money. Tomorrow I am going to cash in my CD. I want to pay up my Visa and Penney’s account. Why do I open credit cards when I can’t control myself? Actually I could do fine BUT I have to send checks and am always late. In Florida I can just transfer money.

Often I get so frustrated because I have to watch what I eat because I am diabetic and fat!

I know I have to take one day at a time. Maybe even one minute at a time. I can’t! I do when I don’t have time to think!!!!!

Last night my grandson was here. His father and girlfriend came to pick him up. They told him they were going to sleep at her house. He wanted to go to his own home. He was upset. My son told him it was too hot at their house. She has central air. It is not a big thing but to me it is. The poor little boy just wanted to sleep in his own bed, in his own room, in his own house. I have to BITE my tongue NOT to say anything. I know this is not a big thing but it bothers me nevertheless.

Often I get so overwhelmed.

I am planning my trip to Toronto. It will be wonderful but I am going back and forth with some people so don’t know exactly what I will be doing and who I will be seeing when. My cousin is coming and I am sorry in a way. Usually when I go it is like a mini vacation for me. I explained to her that I want separate rooms. I know it would save money to stay together but I just want my privacy. She has no CAR and only a brother to visit. I want to see certain people alone so I will have to find something for her to do. Next time I will not invite her to come or tell her she will have to make her own plans while there some of the time.

Tomorrow I will start my new exercise program. I am not sure if my trainer is coming in the morning or not. I think he left a message on the answering machine over the weekend but I couldn’t understand it and erased it before I played it over. I called last night but he wasn’t in. Hopefully he’ll let me know early in the morning. I want to go to the bank during the day.

Thankfully my cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. My house is a mess. I have toys all over and now that my hubby is using the guest room for his boxes I have no place to put the toys so they will have to stay in the living room. Now that I think about it maybe I will pack some up and put them in the garage.
So I will read some old entries and then go back to sleep. Last night I wrote some of these complaints and then tore it up because I didn’t want to write all this here. I guess it didn’t help and I still wanted to write this in my diary.

The week will be quiet during the day. On Tuesday night we are going to a fancy restaurant to help celebrate my friend’s 78th birthday. It’s a very elegant steakhouse. YUMMY! I wonder if I could trust her………..she does tell me a little but for whatever reason I can’t bring myself to get close to her. She is a fairly new friend and usually we just do things as couples.

Wednesday night we are going to see a play called HOUDINI.

Thursday I will probably pick up my grandson but not sure yet.

Otherwise I am going to have free days to relax and do what I want.