My weekend getaway

I finally returned last night from my Thanksgiving in southern CA. It was a pretty good time, but now that I have left I feel kindof crummy. So it goes.

I arrived there on Thursday. The 370 mile drive wasn’t bad for the most part, because most people were probably already where they wanted to go. I got to Paul’s around 3 or 4, and hung out with him and kitten for a little while. He wanted me to kiss him but I felt kindof weird about it.. though I did eventually give in later that night or the next day. His mom made dinner for the family and it was pretty good. The only things missing that kindof made me sad (strangely enough) were corn and deviled eggs. Oh, and also the snacks my mom always put out in the morning (cheese and crackers, vegetables, etc.). On the drive to Paul’s place I started to get really bummed because this was the first Thanksgiving I’ve spent away from my family. Looking back, I’m really happy I got to spend the weekend with Paul because he provided a level of comfort and familiarity that I needed.

Anyway, so we had Thanksgiving dinner (including pie!) and basically spent the rest of the night sitting around. I ended up falling asleep pretty early (before 10, I think), but Paul was really understanding like always. Friday was a pretty relaxed day for the most part. Paul and I tried to participate in Buy Nothing Day, though in the afternoon we went to a local Thai restaurant (we decided it would be okay since it was supporting a local business.. right?) and went to see Lars and the Real Girl (this counted I guess since we bought our tickets on Thursday). Hell, we did get coffee.. damn, I guess we didn’t participate in Buy Nothing Day as thoroughly as we should have.

Oh well, the movie was actually REALLY good, and Ryan Gosling’s performance made me completely fall in love with him. Friday night.. hmm.. oh yeah, we drank beer and did some more sitting. Woo! I had 4 beers, which was definitely enough for me. Saturday we hung out with one of Paul’s good friends… oh, it was the same couple that recently got married in Tijuana. Now they live in the US though, about 60 miles from Paul’s house. We drank beer, played board games and had WAY, way, way too much junk food. I had pretty bad indigestion by the end of the night (frozen lasagna, cheetos, oreos, chocolate covered cranberries, cheez-its). It was pretty fun though, and I’m really glad Paul got to get out of the house to relax.

I didn’t wake up Sunday until around 10am. Paul and I got some breakfast/lunch (aka BLUNCHFAST), then I hit the road at around 1:15pm. The drive sucked man, and the drive that usually takes around 5 1/2 hours ended up taking 8. Paul and I had pretty much fallen back into acting normally with one another (in a relationship, I mean) after the first day or so. I know that we do still care for one another, but our futures are definitely uncertain. I mean, he doesn’t know where he’ll decide to go for grad school, and I have no clue what I’ll decide to do next year. The whole point of really, technically being in a relationship is to make it easier for us to decide what to do with our lives, individually. We’re not officially "broken up" though, if that makes sense… we still talk on the phone and behave as though we are in a relationship when we are in person.

Ack! Sorry if this isn’t making any sense. The words I’m writing feel like a web I can’t quite untangle myself from. I’m not even going to re-read what I’ve written (mainly because I don’t want to be confused by it and then have to change it).

So anyway, the drive back was pretty depressing. I missed Paul, and also felt kindof guilty for any part I might have played in making things go sour-ish. Why can’t I just think about myself instead of wanting so badly to maintain my relationship? I don’t really know if I should feel guilty (because I can’t pinpoint exactly what I feel guilty about), but I’m still sure I did something to screw things up. ::sigh::

I was/am also bummed because I’m still not sure if I made the right decision by coming to San Jose (or CA for that matter). It’s really hard to be away from everyone else I know, doing something with my life that those closest to me can’t really relate to. I do like to think that I’ll look back at some point and think all of this has been worth it, but right now it’s easiest to yearn for the old and familiar. Sometimes when I actually think about things though (living in a small town where factories provide employment opportunities, absolutely no ethnic diversity, shut off from political and cultural variations found in larger cities), I realize I do have more opportunities where I am now.

I don’t really like change, so it has obviously been a hard couple of months. This stuff with Paul definitely adds another level of something… I’m not quite sure how everything with Paul is fitting into everything else. I love him, definitely, but there has been a lot of other changes going on and a lot of other things to distract me. Being with him was great this weekend, but it did remind me of the way things used to be and that makes me sad. It also did remind me how little I had going for me when I lived with him, and that made me sad too.

Man, sorry this entry is so long and rambling. I’m quite tired of thinking.