Leave it to me

  I guess it would be me, who would have an internet stalker after all this time.  Someone who has read my entire open diary, and thus has come to the conclusion that I am nothing but a selfish, stupid little girl.

And yet continues to message me randomly with  strange insults and threats over the course of 5 years, mind you.  And say that I didn’t see what I had infront of me.   Look internet creepo…I DONT and never did KNOW YOU, or CARE to know you at that. So move on now with your life.

Now I know this sounds super harsh, but seriously I think its a bit ridiculous some of the threats Ive recieved back in the days when I was working at old chicago….I remember the ims I got on my phone. It was horrible.

In other news, I am still a jobless loser!! I am trying so hard to find something…everything I do seems to turn out wrong. Even after I spent all this time filling out a nice resume, which I hope will make me look good, I used a template that really isnt attach friendly, and so now I have to copy and paste into some kind of new one, and hope that works out. It doesnt help that I have two misdemeanors on my record now, and I dont think I would even get hired at a damn taco bell.

Fast food is an industry i dont think i would ever be cut out for, so i really hope that in the end, it doesnt come down to that, even tho i dont know if i’m even fast food material with my record these days.  I bet they would think I would steal a freakin hamburger.

I gained most of the weight I lost back, so Im chubby again. averagely chubby, once more.  I hate it. I just teased myself with six months of a fabulous body to lose it.  I want to get back into shape so bad but its hard when youre not working and sitting around the house all the time. So even tho I’m watching what I eat like a maniac, I still seem to be gaining weight. *sigh*

I have one more week before I take another pregnancy test, and then if im not pregnant by then I think i’m going to just go on the pill to stop this dissapointment.   That way I know that i wont be pregnant whenever i feel slightly off or gain a random 7lbs.   I am so serious about wanting to start a family, but then i catch myself looking at children of a certain age and totally dreading it.  ITs like i want it but i want to skip all  the runny nose wiping snot hands from grabbing my face and touching my stuff, and puking in the back of my car and throwing temper tantrums because you say no. Yea, im pretty much describing Kaden here, Joes nephew.

He gets to mad whenever he has to go home and cant stay the night he threatens to knock his teeth out, and he actually bites himself, punches himself in the face, and scratches his face up.  Its horrible, the way he kicks and screams and yells no!  He says everytime he cant play video games (which he alllllways is ) that he hates everyone, and no one loves him because he cant play.  He is only happy playing games or when jow buys him a new toy, which just gets thrown aside in five minutes for video games. I dont like that he is so spoiled and acting out this way, and while i have a limited say in how this is handled, I am not his aunt yet and so must back down. He loves me, and i do love him, but his behavior is ridiculous!!!  Joes mom and him mostly enable it, andit just makes me think of how my dad must have felt watching me grow up.

I know my dad was an over the top asshole, and only cowards abuse their wife and daughter. But i do understand his general frustration now, just not the way he handled it.  Anyways, its 630 am, joe is sleeping soundly besides me…he had a bad migraine all night, so im glad hes resting.. I however am unable to sleep as usual.  I wish that I could develop some kind of set sleeping schedule, but latly all thats been happening is insomnia.

I had a dream last night that my friend neva was pregnant. I saw the home pregnancy test strip with two lines in my dream. I think thats just me wishing so hard that it could be me….but fearing that it never will. What good am I as a woman if I cant carry on a family name???