#51

What if ancient love is really true? What if that’s really possible? The more I think of it the more I consider how it might affect me and contribute to who I am and who I’m going to be. I think it’s clear….it pushes me forward more and more to supporting Jacinta and the shambles of the romantic relationship that we used to have. Is it so bad now? No, it’s not really…we still have each other in many ways and that’s what matters. But the simple fact of the matter is that a great deal of the closeness is gone, as is a great deal of the reciprocation. For better or for worse, it’s all different. Not necessarily a bad different, in many ways it’s a new expression of the same thing, but it’s somehow lacking of some of the things I yearn for most. So what if it’s true? If it’s true…then it explains a great deal of my positions and stances considering her and the world at large. I’ve never wanted to do something like this…and thinking about it….if it were any other person I would’ve given up on it by now. There’s something innately special about this one and something deep inside of me knows it even if I don’t want to realize it. I can’t take those opportunities with other girls I know, even if she’d never know and even if the girl herself is really pretty and would be hellishly enjoyable. Loyalty was never so difficult as now. But loyal I remain, in large part. There’s something special about this one and ancient love would explain that. It’d explain the quick depth of our relationship as well…it’d explain the sense of proximity to each other even when we weren’t looking at each other, even when we were doing things as simple as dancing…we just clicked together naturally on levels deeper than merely luck, of this i’m positive. I have 2 left feet and I’d stumble a lot (I tried it before) when I dance but I could dance with her when we learned to salsa. Not only that, but we were the best out of everyone too…we just naturally clicked together well. Ancient love would explain why that worked out the way it did. And the memories, and some of her own things as well (at least as far as I know. I’m pretty sure but I may be wrong). And suddenly it’ll all make sense. Whenever I think of this….I realize that without ever having met her, I wouldn’t even think these sorts of concepts are possible. But with her, it’s all suddenly possible. It all suddenly means something more. There’s so much I never would’ve seen, never would’ve done without having met her…I’d just be narrow and ignorant just as I was before I met her. I wouldn’t have known it and I wouldn’t have thought it, but I would’ve been, all the same. Unity….unity beyond being together romantically and even physically. There always was more to our unity than just that. Why else would we be persisting at all after all we’ve been through? As anything, let alone still very trusting and caring and, I daresay, loving. There’s more to our unity, more than just simple ideals and simple wants and desires…it’s just not a choice anymore. Was it ever? Perhaps it’s fate after a sort….it’s not a choice because we’re going to naturally say yes! rather than no. Is that how it is for her, too? I wonder sometimes…she doesn’t offer so much as to how she feels about me now so I really don’t know for sure, not with MY worriesome and second-guessing nature about things.

But I feel it. I know I do. There was something more to our unity than just limerance, than just merely caring, than just merely desire than just merely love. There were more levels of love and understanding there that unfolded in time than I knew existed. I’ve never felt before that I really understood someone’s soul so much…nor have I ever felt so small standing next to someone so big and amazing who could easily crush me if she wanted…I’ve never felt so small beside someone yet so utterly, totally sure that I was safe and that she’d take care of me no matter what happened. Where did that come from? We didn’t really know each other all that long. It has to come from somewhere else because I’m not imagining this. Perhaps we really have loved each other over and over in the past. Or maybe my place on this earth is simply to be this person for her…I’m not an amazing person, I’m not going to go anywhere big…I know this. But she is. She will. I know it, I can feel it from her…there’s something special about her. Maybe I was designed just to support her and to naturally click with her like this. That could work too. But no matter how or why, the core is there, the unity is there. It was so strong too, so tight. Never before have I felt like that, if I tried, I could just reach out to her and through her to just touch who she is at heart, beyond just the physical body, beyond all of that…to just touch the essence of what it is to be her. I wouldn’t hurt it…I’d probably be deathly afraid of it, actually. She deserves the absolute best and she doesn’t need to be hurt. Maybe that’s why I never actually tried…I could feel it well enough when she was in my arms….she was just like an extension of my being (or am I an extension of hers?). It’s…it’s so amazingly powerful, to me, I don’t even know how to write it. As I’m sure it already obvious in this entry. I guess I’ll stop now….but ancient love means a lot to me because I think I might’ve found an example of it. Or it might be an example of something entirely different, but no matter what it is I’ve found something extraordinary. Something very very important and very very extraordinary. This is what life’s about; people like how she is to me.