Decide whom you want to love

There was a time in which I would love unconditionally. Not just erotic love, I speak of friendships. At middle school, I had a group of friends I thought were loyal. We were only girls. One of them, Jazzie, was my first crush. The other ones were funny, nice people to hang around. I would have given everything for them. Jazzie was my best friend, or at least she was for a while. We were always together, we did our homework together, we chose to study latin together, and since her father was an alcoholic and she lived in precarious conditions she often spent the night at my house. I gave her all I could give her, but then, one day, she found another best friend. Mary Anne, quite an insignificant girl, she did not give any importance to school and was focused on watching television and reading stupid magazines about singers and actors. But Jazzie liked it. The two of them built a soul unit and excluded me totally.
After a while, I got to know Anna, another girl who was nice and seemed to be on the same wavelength as me. I remember that we spent a beautiful summer together, seeing each other almost every day. But that was it. As soon as school started, she met another best friend, Michela, with whom she shared the love for the band Take That. I did not listen to that crap. For a while, I followed Robbie Williams to be part of the game, but it was just a fake. Take That were beautiful guys with terrible music. I was not interested in beautiful guys and the music was not my taste. Once again, I remained excluded. After giving all my love, in terms of friendship and in the case of Jazzie also of erotic love.

At high school I never had friends. The same can be said for my first years in Basel as a law student. I accepted loneliness as a matter of fact, but I still was able to love unconditionally. One of the people I loved the most, in some way, was my mother, who has always insulted, humiliated and belittled me in return. It was after my vain attempts at catching a boyfriend despite being homosexual that I eventually checked that unconditional love is damaging.

If you love someone, be sure that your love is not unconditional. That is the lesson I learned. In Basel, I met Kerstin, the last unconditional love of my life. I wanted her, she was my obsession, every time she rejected me I felt desperate and I would do ridiculous things just to see if she was ignoring me or just drunk again. All my thoughts revolved around her. But eventually, I awoke. The last time I met her, we were in her room, and she wanted me to stay for the night. I refused. I took the train to go back to Basel, knowing that maybe on that night we would have had sex. But since I had already given her some money to pay the rent of her flat (she has always been in a difficult financial situation), I felt as if I was paying a prostitute. This was the very moment in which I thought “if want to you love, decide whom you want to love”.

It has been like that ever since. I can claim that nowadays, I can lead my feelings and decide whom I want to fall for. My sexual needs are limited: I have not had sex for more than five years, and I do not miss it. I see a relationship more as a deal than as a romantic mutual choice. Some time ago I met a woman on the dating site I am on, and she seemed interesting. She lives far away, even if in two hours by train I could be where she lives. We pondered to start a relationship, but then she thought that she did not wish a long distance relationship. So, she said to me that if in one year I will still be single, I should call her, and we could arrange that. That seemed like arranging a contract, but in fact this is not so wrong as it may seem. You choose the person, know her, ponder, and then you let yourself fall.

The only person I still love unconditionally is my mother, even if it is love overshadowed by hate. She hates me, but somehow I see an old woman, with severe mental illness issues, growing dementia, and very limited intellectual resources. As a consequence I forgive, and I play the game.

Many of my feelings have dried up with time.