Let's get one thing straight: I am not. Lesbian, schizophrenic, untidy, chaotic, psychotic, rejected, unloved. But: loving, caring, empathetic, honest and direct. Please be kind, I will be kind in return. Just trying to reach for freedom from the prison of my life.

Latest Entry

Part of me

July 11, 2018
I am sitting in the dark, I just cannot stand the light. I emailed Doctor Livio yesterday, and told him everything I wrote here. I know I can tell him everything, he is the only person in real life whom I have not to lie to. He knows me maybe better than I know myself.…
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Recent Entries

  • My pain and my lies
    July 10, 2018
    *Trigger warning: quite violent content, if you do not feel safe, do not read* I sent an email to Doctor Livio. Sometimes I do so, just to share some things that cannot wait until the next session. I shared with him the last entry I wrote, since it is a good picture if how I…
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  • A monster like me
    July 10, 2018
    I am a monster. I always talk about finding a girlfriend, about having friends, about having a lover to share intimacy and to have sex with. None of the above is really important to me. The real fantasies I have in my mind are profoundly different. When I was born, I was born a killer.…
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  • Discrimination and paranoia
    July 3, 2018
    My parents started belittling me since the day that I was born. With that stupid name they gave me. Paola. My name in real life is Paola, which means "little". It was used in Ancient Rome for people who were little in stature, at least at the beginning. Then it became a common name. I…
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  • Missing sex?
    July 1, 2018
    I have not had sex in ages. Really, the last time I slept with a woman was more than 5 years ago. Wonder? No. I do not really miss sex, I never had a huge sex drive. But sometimes I wish I had a partner to share intimacy as well as daily life. My mother…
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  • The ghost of a mother
    June 30, 2018
    Yesterday I chatted with Ely. She is on holiday, but on a strange kind of holiday. She in on a pilgrimage. I think this is something I would like to do as well, but I have not been away for about 15 years. No holidays since 2000. No, because I have to take care of…
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  • Error in the system
    June 27, 2018
    Too many emotions in such a short time. First, the bad ones. Yesterday I lost control. My father never bothers to take my defence. He is whispering all the time at me to tolerate the insults, the humiliation, and all the wrong reproaches my mother addresses to me. He takes me for granted. He has&...
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  • Normalos helping normalos
    June 26, 2018
    So, I think it is time to talk about a disappointment that stroke me a couple of weeks ago. I already mentioned it, but I need to vent off some frustration and some (justified) grudge I bear towards some people. Professor Gabriel (nickname) has been the one with whom I wrote my Bachelor thesis. I...
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  • Long live the new flesh
    June 25, 2018
    Exams are over, thank God. It was a very difficult time. Not really because of the exams, I am accustomed to them after 4 years at University. I am a Master student, I know how to handle such situations even if the adrenaline and the panic before you face the examiners are always there. The…
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  • The curse
    June 9, 2018
    Next week I will have 4 exams in 5 days. It will turn into an exciting experience. Still, I just ask myself why this world is the world of opportunities for other people, and never for me. I dream of a PhD, and I am struggling to find ways to give my future some sort…
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