Let's get one thing straight: I am not. Lesbian, schizophrenic, untidy, chaotic, psychotic, rejected, unloved. But: loving, caring, empathetic, honest and direct. Please be kind, I will be kind in return. Just trying to reach for freedom from the prison of my life.

Latest Entry

Learning to wait

September 17, 2018
Tomorrow is the first day of my last semester as a student. I should soon start looking for a job. Not easy. Next semester I am expected to make a stage, and I have no idea whatsoever what I want to do. Let alone where to send applications. At my age, a person should have…
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Recent Entries

  • In reply
    September 14, 2018
    Again, sitting in the dark and updating this daily report of my life while my mother is sleeping in front of some silly talk show on television. I would like to focus on some notes I got on my last entry, which gave me food for thoughts. Of course, even if I never mention it,…
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  • Writing in the dark
    September 13, 2018
    I am sitting in the dark, writing here a short entry before falling asleep. I am starting to like this writing when my mother does not know I am writing, maybe because it is forbidden. She would be furious if she knew, in the same way as she would be furious if she knew many…
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  • Money or no money
    September 12, 2018
    As I was smoking my last cigarette of the day in the yard, I felt a presence very near to me, and it was not one of my demons. I am very sensitive to such things, maybe because schizophrenia gave me a sixth sense regarding people's thoughts and moods. It was human. I am very…
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  • Never judge
    September 11, 2018
    While on the way to University, I met Gaia and Mickey sitting in the bar where students often met after the lectures. We sat for a while together, waiting for 4.30 pm to come. Gaia was somehow judgemental on me, because she thought that the only reason why I still live with my parents is…
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  • Tomorrow at 4.30 pm
    September 9, 2018
    I need to write an email to Dr. Ben, the post-doc researcher who involved me in thousand projects last year - none of them really came to an end or to a reasonable conclusion. She sent an email to a group of us students reminding us that we can withdraw from the last of her…
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  • She wants to be ill
    September 7, 2018
    Tonight I cannot concentrate on my accounting notes. I was forced to follow my mother through the town all day long, because she had a doctor appointment and wanted to go for a shopping spree afterwards. She decided that she wants to change doctor, just because this one, exactly like the former t...
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  • Efforts and excuses
    September 6, 2018
    I just took my night medication, so I guess that in 10 minutes I will not even longer remember my own name. But I wanted to end this day by leaving two lines here. Some time ago, I met a girl on the dating site, Raphaela, and we chatted for a while. I liked her.…
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  • An unwanted visit
    August 31, 2018
    Summer is fortunately nearing to the end. All my classmates are coming back from holidays, they have fun stories to tell and when I am asked what I have been doing, well, what have I been doing? I have been the servant of my cantankerous parents and tolerated insults and humiliation all summer lo...
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  • The never felt love
    August 23, 2018
    I do not know how it feels like to love. I was never loved, so it is something I do not have experience of. I have experience of having a crush on someone, but not of loving someone. All the times I felt what I thought it was love, it was just a desire of…
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