‘In The Great Hall/You Drink Red Wine/You Chew Meat Off the Bone’

I have so many things to put down and leave here that I cannot sort any to the top for peeling off and freeing myself of.

‘I come
Naked and alone’

For one, I never thought burn out could be this bad or last so long. I’m going on like a year now of just being completely over my limit. Anytime I think my feet are coming back under me, I find myself immediately overextended and whip-fast snappish again. As depression ebbs, this becomes confusing. The effects persist independently of depression, apparently.  I don’t know what else is to be done about it. I have never been in a position where I could have a break down or take a real break. Short of that, I’m pretty well out of ideas. Is it just time with burn out? How much?

I think being constantly bombarded with other peoples’ demands on me doesn’t help, but it turns out I’m really bad at that kind of boundary keeping? It’s weird. But I get something akin to touch aversion when my phone and messages start to blow up outside of a select few peoples’ contacting me. Not all the time; it comes and goes day by day. Lately it’s been pretty intense. Obviously, it’s not malicious on anyone’s part, or anything. But we’re all so needy. So desperate to get our needs met we will run roughshod over even those we love trying to get our needs met.

I know a lot of us who don’t know each other are interacting because of the new format and the high of early days back, but the literal last thing I’m looking for here is advice. Don’t give any.

‘And I will carry you home
I will carry you home
I will carry you home in my teeth’
– The Mountain Goats